Friday, November 6, 2009

Another November

November is here once again, and another anniversary of Michaela's kidnapping.  Native Americans had names for the moon each  month.  Their name for November was "the mourning moon." 

I concur.

This past year has been amazing.  God has put a spotlight on Michaela, and it has brought renewed hope, but it has also been really difficult for me.  Sorrow is like a huge, soggy lump, and it moves up and down between my stomach, my heart, and my throat.  I can feel it like a physical presence.  When it moves up into my throat, it usually pushes silent tears into my eyes. 

I feel my grief over losing Michaela very keenly, but the events in the last few months have cast over me a shadow of Michaela's suffering that I can't shake.  Recently the media, and commenters on my blog, have been talking about how Jaycee was reluctant to admit her true identity to authorities, that she defended Garrido.  I've thought about this, from a parent's point of view.  How would I feel if Michaela did that?  And you know, I hope that Michaela is out there somewhere, reading this blog, remembering her life before November 19, 1988, but unable to break free because of her attachment to her kidnapper. It would be wonderful if she had formed a bond with her kidnapper, because that would give her a degree of comfort. It would mean she is not suffering.

But I continue to be haunted by what she may have experienced in those early hours, days, weeks, months, years, after she was kidnapped.  This is a shadow world, Michaela's suffering, certain but unknown.  I don't know what she went through, but I know she was filled with fear, she was filled with grief, and I know that my own grief is a tiny pebble compared to the mountain of grief she faced.  I still had my home, my friends, my children.  She had nothing and no one.  I have gone over and over the words of her poem, and I think of her alone, behind those doors of steel, real or symbolic, and how terrifying just that would be for her, totally apart from any of those other unimaginable things she might have had to endure. 

This is so hard to live with.  Perhaps Michaela is out there and is reluctant to make herself known because she, like Jaycee, does not want to see her captors jailed.  If that is so ... well, Michaela, if you are reading these words, I just beg you to dig down and remember, and to please, please have mercy on me.  Is it wrong of me to say that I don't care about the prosecution of the kidnappers, if it means having my daughter back?  Well, I do care, but if it meant the difference between having Michaela and not having Michaela?  I don't know.  But Michaela, if you are out there, please, please contact me.  All my contact information is on your website, or just send a comment through this blog.  The comments go to my private e-mail before they get published, so you can do it privately.  You can do it anonymously even.  But if you do, please include our family code word, so that I can know that it's you.  Give me information only you would know, just so I can know that it's you, and that you are okay.

It has been a long time since I've written in this blog, and I've saved up so much to say, but now that I sit here it slips away.  Well, first of all, I want to say that one of my readers wrote a blog about Michaela on her own site, and she said something about my heart being pure.  And I just want to get this straight.  My heart is so far from pure.  It is purely sad, but that's way different.  I realized something recently.  I'd never understood the practice of cutting -- you know, where the kids cut themselves.  But the other day I was watching some television show where terrible things were happening to these people, and I thought, "Well, I bet they aren't worried about any of their other problems now."  And it dawned on me that this was exactly what cutting was about -- that you cause yourself a specific kind of pain in order to distract yourself from what is really hurting you ... or sometimes in order to feel at all, since the pain you have been suffering has numbed you.  I realized that I have been doing my own variations of this for the last 20 years.  For me, it's been psychological cutting rather than physical, but I can see so often that I have created painful distractions for myself, simply because contemplating Michaela's fate, and my own loss, is just too, too, too painful.  How can you live with it?  How can you continue to function with that sad, sad song playing in the background of your life 24 hours a day 7 days a week?

Well, I'm learning.  Perhaps there has been enough time, perhaps enough distance -- meaning that I can figure that the worst of Michaela's suffering is over, and she has either adapted, or has gone on to another place where there is no suffering.  Perhaps I have become strong enough, my faith has become strong enough, to be able to bear up under it.  But this time, when it has fallen on me, I have been able to hold it, to hold my daughter's suffering, my loss, and to feel it for what it is rather than trying to distract myself.

And speaking of my faith, people are always talking about how strong that is also.  I just want to tell you all, it is not always so strong.  Faith is like an ocean in which I swim, but sometimes I get thrown up on the beach and I sit there for awhile, drying out a bit, asking questions.  But the depths call to me, and I plunge back in.  I pray for the mind and heart of God, that his thoughts would be my thoughts, his desires would be my desires.  I pray for answers and understanding, because I am intellectually driven.  And I move forward on the path set out before me, even when it is dark.  I know the light will come again.

I've been working on Missing Michaela, finally.  I've been working on this book for fifteen years!  My last re-write was a few years ago when I was stuck home with a broken ankle for a few weeks.  It wasn't sufficient because there have been questions answered since that time, so it has to be re-written.  I'm more or less starting from scratch on this re-write, using only a small portion of what I have previously written.  I'm perhaps touching deeper places, or they are touching me, because I find myself with a lump in my throat more often than not as I write, and almost every day I have to stop at some point because I break down in sobs.  Anyway, I hope to have this book done within the next few months, and if anybody knows a publisher or agent who is interested, let me know!  If not, I will publish it myself, like I did my child safety book, only I will try to learn a little more about distribution beforehand, because I've been doing a really terrible job with the child safety book.  I am not a salesperson by any means.  I couldn't sell food to the starving.  (Of course not! I'd give it to them!)  But if I put these things out there, then hopefully at least they will get into the hands that need them. 

When all this was going on with Jaycee and Michaela recently, I heard from an agent I'd spoken to years ago, and he said he'd alerted an editor at a New York publisher, told her to keep an eye on the story. Of course, I figured out that he thought we were going to find Michaela.  We have seen that found children are Really Big News, and big sellers.  Now there is nobody who wants to find Michaela more than I do, but not for the purposes of writing a book about it.  Part of the significance of Missing Michaela is that I don't know what has happened for my daughter.  It is coping with those unanswered questions.  It is, basically, how you keep walking down the path when all around you it is dark.  It is a story of faith lost and restored.  And ultimately, it addresses the questions of how we could possibly believe in a God who allows such terrible things to happen to children, of how we can believe in a God who doesn't answer our prayers for them to be rescued, and beyond that, of how we can believe in God in a world where such terrible, horrible things happen every day. 

Like death.  Okay, this is a non sequitur perhaps, but I have to just say how much I HATE DEATH.  One of my facebook friends had to have her little dog put to sleep this last week, and I just can't tell you how much grief I felt over that.  Well, I'm a doggy mama my self, so that's part of it.  But honestly, I can't even kill bugs.  I catch them and take them outside and let them go.  When I close a window, if there is an insect caught between the screen and the window, I open the window and catch the insect and take it outside.  I know that if it is trapped there it will probably die when the heat of the sun comes around in the afternoon, and here that poor thing is just hovering there at the window because it is trying to get free!  How sad is that? 

But as I said to my friend who had to have her dog put to sleep, this is the price we pay for love.  Always, on some near or far day, we will lose those we love, or be lost to them.  Once you fully recognize that, once you experience that, love is never again the same.  It is deeper, richer, and incredibly valuable. 

Well, I know everyone wants to know what is going on in the investigation.  I want to make sure you all rest assured that it is being handled with intelligence and devotion and compassion by the Hayward Police Department, especially our detective Inspector Rob Lampkin, his Sergeant Steve Brown (who he says is the best boss he has ever had), and Lieutenant Chris Orrey.  Rob Lampkin is the one whose job it is to find Michaela.  He is just simply a very nice guy, and he is doing an excellent job with the investigation.  He keeps me informed, which is something I am very grateful for, and something I think is a good idea, because I've been "working on" this case for twenty years myself, and sometimes I know things that are helpful.  But of course you all know that I can't give any details of the investigation because that would compromise its integrity, its possible success, and any possible prosecution. 

As for Lieutenant Chris Orrey, I really don't know her job on this besides talking to the media, but she is just the most incredible combination of strength and compassion -- she just doesn't hide her heart behind a bullet proof vest, you know?  So for me personally, her job has been being such a support to me that I wasn't so afraid of falling, if that makes sense.  Now these are just the people that I know at Hayward PD.  There are many others who work on the case, many others who care very deeply, many other compassionate and intelligent people there, both paid and volunteers.  You know, the City of Hayward's slogan is "The Heart of the Bay."  As far as I'm concerned, the Hayward PD has exemplified that.

But please don't worry, because I don't believe there are any stones that can be turned that aren't being.  It's true that the investigators have run into some roadblocks in the investigation, in being allowed to interview suspects.  Apparently a judge has issued an order that investigators can't talk to Philip or Nancy Garrido.  I think Philip might just be crazy enough to talk, but my hopes continue to be pinned on Nancy.  I think that she is shedding that mantle of fear and persuasion Philip Garrido placed on her, and I believe that if she is able to help, she will.  I still feel merciful toward this woman.  I know a lot of you will want to write and tell me why I shouldn't but just don't bother. 

I think that God is reaching out to Nancy, and before all is said and done I think her life will be used for good.  Yes, I know what she did.  But if you read the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapter 5), Jesus says that if you are angry, you are subject to the judgment of murder, and if you look on a woman with lust, you are guilty of adultery.  Now it is impossible for us to live without ever getting angry -- and this is acknowledged elsewhere in the Bible.  So clearly this passage is not telling us that this is how we have to live.  Instead, it is simply pointing out that it is impossible for us to live without sin, and it points out that God considers things that we think fairly minor to be just as bad as things we think to be really serious.

So the point is, in God's eyes, my sins, and your little sins, are equivalent to Nancy's sins.  But fortunately for us, God is merciful to all of us who will accept his mercy.  And he is the judge, not us.  As Matthew 7 says, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  I know people will want to stretch this topic and say, "what about this and what about that?"  Of course this is not applying to legal matters.  It applies to our hearts.  And I have to think of Philip Garrido, for whom I feel not an ounce of sympathy, not even a scintilla of loving energy.  Nope.  But God's mercy is extended to those who will accept it, and his love to those who will receive it.  My own personal opinion is that Philip started out evil, and ended up with a kind of a messiah complex.  You can hardly bow before God when you think you are God.  But I don't know.  All I do know is that God has stirred my heart for Nancy, and I think that's because he is reaching out to her, and I think that is because he knows that she will open her heart to receive him.  And I believe she will be a blessing to the world before it's all said and done.

So if you disagree and want to make a comment, go ahead, and if you want me to reply then include your e-mail address and maybe I will, but I want to let you know right now that I don't intend to get involved in a public debate here on Nancy Garrido or God's mercy.  It's my blog.  You can get your own blog.

Well, I guess I've said enough, probably way too much.  I want to let you know that we will be remembering Michaela on the anniversary of her kidnapping, November 19th.  It's a simple little thing we do.  We go to the market where she was kidnapped (now called Mexico Super, on the corner of Mission and Lafayette at the southernmost tip of Hayward, California).  We go at 10:00, because the estimated time of her kidnapping was 10:15 a.m.  We tie ribbons on the "tree" which grows next to the parking space where she was kidnapped, and say a little prayer.  It is usually a pretty small group of people.  But you are welcome to come if you can.  And if you can't, could you please hang a ribbon for Michaela?  We usually use yellow, but one year we used peach colored ribbons.  And if you hang a ribbon, could you please e-mail me a photo, at missingmichaela@gmail.com

Thank you everyone for all the love and support you have given me and Michaela in these past months.  It means so much to me, and I pray Michaela can see it and feel it as well.

41 comments:

  1. I for one will hang ribbons i my garden, and I will send you pictures of them.... And I will pray that your precious daughter will see them, where ever she might be today...

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  2. Dear Sharon, I don't even know where to begin. My heart is filled with a million words along the lines of "I am so infinitely sorry you have been going through this hell for the last 21 years" but putting those words on "paper" is nearly impossible and is absolutely insufficient. Somehow, I wish I could open my heart and soul and pour out the appopriate words, but this too is impossible. Words fail and that is frustrating.

    I feel so angry at God and have such a hard time understanding why things like this happen, and further, an even harder time understanding that it is not my place to understand. It's a cycle that never seems to end and that makes it so frustrating! There are so many questions that need to be answered, they have to be answered and it is wholly unfair that we must wait for those answers. It is unfair that God gives us this life knowing in advance, that a great portion of it is going to be spent being haunted and tortured by questions and by "memories" of things that didn't happen to us but happened to those we love.

    I spent a very long time imagining things that my loved one went through when she was in a horrible car accident and then spent over a month in a coma before she died. I imagined the accident over and over and imagined the pain. It has been torture and it never seems to end.

    I have spent so many nights arguing with God and telling him that what I have been given is far more than I can possibly bear. I have spent nights crying to him asking him to relieve some of the pain he has laid upon me and seemingly, those prayers have gone unanswered. But my pain is so insignificant compared to what you live with and I have no idea how you do it. And I have no idea how God can justify this.

    I question God and I argue with Him and I doubt Him, and for me to say that is blasphemy I am sure, and something for which I may spend enternity in hell for. I have digressed so much...I guess I just do not understand and that weighs on me so much. The idea that there are people like you, who have such faith, and still yet, He rains down this suffering is just more that I can understand.

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  3. I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain in your words. And if you are angry at God, there is hope, because at least you are talking to him, and eventually he will answer you. Have you read my webpage about the answers God gave to me? It's at www.missingmichaela.com/my_journey_through_sorrow.

    I don't know if it will contain anything that will help you. My final answer really is that God suffered just as much grief over Michaela's kidnapping as I did, and that he in fact tried to prevent it. Have you ever had something bad happen to you, and later you realized that you had known you shouldn't do whatever it was that set that course, that you'd had an intuition about it? But so often we ignore those things.

    God is not a dictator. We have free will, and our free will has created a lot of unpleasant things in the world. You will find your own answers, but you know that God did not cause that car accident. And if he didn't answer your prayer for her life to be spared, I would have to quote the parents of one the victims of a school shooting, when they said they'd had to realize that their greatest loss had been their daughter's greatest gain.

    May God give you the answers you seek, and peace.

    Sharon

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  4. I've been reading C.S. Lewis's 'A Grief Observed' about the death of his wife.

    One thing he mentions is that a surgeon causes pain but, because he knows that this pain will heal you, he keeps cutting away, causing more and more pain. Lewis says that people who do not fear God because He loves us must never have gone to the dentist.

    Sometimes, I wonder if it is that...that He knows that it will hurt us so deeply, but He also knows that we need this pain to get better. That doesn't make it hurt any less... But I do agree with you whole-heartedly. I think that the things in this world hurt Him as much as they hurt us.

    God bless you, Sharon. A million times over.

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  5. Sharon,
    You make me laugh..."It's my blog. Get you own blog." And you make me cry. You remind me of God's great love for each of us and what a wonderful thing faith and mercy is. I agree with you word-for-word regarding Nancy. I feel the pain in your words as you miss your daughter and wonder about her suffering. And I will continue to pray for her return to you, one way or the other. I hope you don't have to experience any more November anniversaries. But most of all, I hope Michaela reads your posts and takes that brave step and responds to you.

    Sincerely,
    Michele

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  6. Sharon,

    That was beautiful, and funny too :)
    If I was in California, I would come and join you and also hang a ribbon on the tree.

    You do have a big strong forgiving heart. God sees that.
    God Bless,
    Anna, Kelowna, Canada x

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  7. Sharon,
    You have a beautiful way of expressing your thoughts through your writting. I can't tell you how much I want to fly to California and just hug you till you say stop! You are so loved by all of us who follow this...it reminds me that there is still allot of good in the world!
    Love, Tori

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  8. http://www.theskichannel.com/news/skinews/20091106/Why-kidnapping-victim-Jaycee-Lee-Dugard-protected-Phillip-Garrido-

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  9. Here is a better article on Jaycee and the Garridos:

    http://www.contracostatimes.com/top-stories/ci_13722609

    And thanks everyone for the comments, and the hugs!

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  10. Sharon,
    Such an especially honest, touching post. You are awfully generous to share your intimate thoughts, your life struggle, and your grief, with the world. It brings out the most caring, optimistic, and compassionate nature in human beings. Your reaching out to Michaela, and openly sharing your journey, love, and determination with her and us, may very well be a the most important thing that keeps Michaela going. Your insight and wisdom encouraging us to follow our intuition and teach our children to listen to your smart voice has likely saved lives. Your sensitive words heal and support people who may otherwise have wanted to give up. The spirituality in your blog raises questions that need to be asked, and reinforces a relationship with GOD, for those who seek it. The mercy you demonstrate for Nancy Garrido is startling and eye-opening.

    Anniversaries are such a difficult place. Such an aching time. You have created a wonderful, honorable ritual to memorialize Michaela, her brave energy, her independence, and her love of life. Others will follow, share their support of Michaela and you, and her family, and help deflate the sails of the Philip Garrido's in the world. We feel helpful, hopeful, and good. This energy creates ripples and spreads out to touch places that could lead Michaela to come home. It improves the world in which we live.

    Michaela is- of course, in your heart, and your family's heart. She was physically taken from you, and she always remains in your heart-with all your loved ones. But we hold her, too -like guardian angels, she is in our hearts. We rock her gently, and love her, the brave person she is.

    It is painful to read about Michaela's abduction, and painful to read about what it is like for you, over such a long time- even though I am not you. I look for answers or an explanation- even though I am not you.

    Keep being kind and gentle to yourself, Sharon, especially during this aching time. As you know, we have to respect that we can only let our pain in as deeply as we can tolerate at any given time. We cope by finding ways to distract, but yet, we still feel. How we feel is how we feel. The feelings may look like they are about one thing, but they are the same feelings, had we not distracted.

    You asked (in third person) 'How can you live with it?' I think you 'are' living with it...,Sharon. It is hard. Has been a hard life. You are living with it, coping with it, by all that you do-the website, the book, the booklet, the blog, her siblings, teaching...your faith in GOD. I think you 'are' living with it.

    You also asked, 'How can you continue to function with that sad, sad song playing in the background of your life 24 hours a day 7 days a week?' You can continue, Sharon. You can. Even during this aching time. With continued understanding of yourself and acknowledgement of how positively you are coping, with respect for how hard living with it has been, with continued compassion towards yourself, being gentle with yourself, and finding, then doing what you need to do to take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. Take in all the love from the people posting to you and Michaela. Let us gently rock you, too in our hearts.

    Insight

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  11. Hi Sharon,
    We are hoping and praying for the safe return of sweet Michaela this month and always! I have two little girls, and have to tell you that as a mother, my heart aches for you. I cannot even beging to imagine the pain that you have gone through all these years. My 3 year old daughter says her prayers every night and we go through her list of friends and family that we pray for. She says a name, then I say one and we take turns until we have prayed for everyone. I always pray for Michaela and for her safe return to her Mommy. Last night, my little girl said, "Mama, I want to pray for Michaela and her Mommy tonight". So, she did....and will continue to do so.
    Thank you for being such an inspiration of faith, and hope to all of us.

    With hope and love,

    Deanna and Sienna

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  12. Oh Sharon ... you are amazing.

    Don't ever forget that nothing in this world can erase the love that you gave to Michaela and still give to her. Wherever Michaela may be that love is with her and present. If she is alive it is that very love that has kept her alive. If she is alive in heaven it is that very love that shines down on you and the love that she carries through eternity. Evil can never wipe out love.

    I will always, always pray for answers for you.

    Maureen

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  13. My daughters birthday is Nov 13th, i have thought about you often as it nears closer, we will be hanging a ribbon and sending a pic. Hugs..

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  14. i hope one day,youll find peace and happyness,shocks me.he could of got me too.maybe i should of let him instead of your daughter. i still remember his face and looks untile this day.and same picture of the guy on your profile who witnessed him who took her. same face and all. maybe i should of so your daughter wouldnt be suffering.best wishes to you.and i hope one day they will find her.

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  15. One of the biggest regrets of my life is the fact that my dad died alone in his room in the middle of the night when we were all asleep upstairs. He died alone despite being in a house full of his family.

    Theres a chance he may have called out to us as he usually did for on thing or another in the night and we usually used to get very annoyed over this and tell him not to unless it was absolutely necessary. How selfish of us. I've never spoken to any one about this let alone write about it and your right, writing about it hurts. I can feel the lump you talked about in my throat right now. Knowing he suffered and he was all alone in the dark, he must felt scared and abandonded. It's so painful. I know how you feel about feeling haunted about what Michaela went through those first hours, days, months.
    The only way I can make myself feel better is thinking maybe as he was in and out of conciousness perhaps he was hallucinating, sort of in a dream like state. I remember fainting at home once and specifally remember feeling like I was at a theme park, I even remember seeing the rollercoaster. It felt so real that when I woke up it took me a good minute or 2 to realise I was at home the whole time! Perhaps the same happened to my dad before he passed. Perhaps he imagined we were all around him, perhaps an angel came to him? I'll never know. There is nobody out there who can give me the anwser. I think this connects with the post about your mother with which I totally agree with. ALWAYS help your parent when they need you. NEVER let them feel like they are burden. My poor dad. I pray hes resting in peace.

    Anyway I hope this time next year you and Michaela will be together. xxx

    Take Care

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  16. I appreciate your transparency more than you could know.

    As a Christian, I have often wished that we as a whole were more "real" about what we are going through. I think many Christians are afraid that if we tell our internal emotional experience and admit the waverings of thought and feelings that it is somehow a lack of faith.

    Last weekend, during worship, we were singing the song Yahweh - and we reached the verse, "From every fight in the mind to every victory dance, You've always been there..."

    I heard the still small voice tell me that He wasn't angry that I had fights in my mind.

    I realized that I often feel guilty or ashamed about my faith level when I have a "fight in my mind" to believe something in the Word or something He has been telling me through prophecy or in the Spirit.

    But, after hearing Him say that He wasn't angry, I realized that He told us that there would be a fight to believe, when He gave us the verse about "fighting the good fight"...

    Watching you fight the good fight is amazing.

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  17. Sharon,

    I know that you have so many feelings of sadness when you describe the sogging lumpy feeling that you have but I think that you were right when you said that Michaela is probably not suffering any more and that she has adapted. I do believe that too. When she was first kidnapped, you have to believe that God was with her to help her cope with it. I know that this is hard to imagine but I just think that he was and he was there with her all of the way and that is why she was able to write the letter because He wrote it for her and for you. The letter was written by her with God's help in order to prepare her for this. He did not make it happen but he knew and he did what he could to help her in so many ways. I know that he felt her pain and I believe that he watched over her to provide what ever she needed. I put myself in your shoes and try to think how I would feel and I know that there are no words that would help me and I would start feeling panicky, jittery and just plain want to come right out of my own skin. I know that is probably how you have felt over the years. This is because you want your child, "don't they know this is my child that I want". The pain is unmeasurable and the only answer is looking forward into God's Love and compassion. This is what you have done and he is showing you the way. This is how you have gotten through all of these years. Think how you have felt over the years the pain which you do not compare to Michaela's pain but I think that it was not the same but very painful and a unrelenting type of pain that does not compare to most things more of a torture type of pain for you. There is never going to be acceptance of what happened, but you are accepting of God's Love and you are allowing God to speak through all of us and that is what he wants from his people to have the true body of Christ together and this is the weapon to attack the evil in this world. (THIS MESSAGE IS GOING TO BE CONTINUED ON ANOTHER POST IT WAS TOO LONG)

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  18. (Sharon here is the second part of what I wrote to you) Keep with his people because that is where the strength comes from. He says this in the Bible and this is what it means. IT shows Satin who HE/GOD is and that he is God and that he can bring his people together to form a complete body to do his good. Stay focused on HIM and not the bad things that have happened because the strength will come when you turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of Earth with grow strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace. Try to stay focused on that because this is important right now. Don't look back stay forward, look at him and you will see the light. Ephesians 1 22:23 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body the fullness of him who fills everything in everyway. 2 Corinthians 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. That will be my prayer Sharon freedom for your heart. I think that when I read about your analogy of the cutting I understand what you are saying because you feel like you are so bound to the pain and it is so hard for you to believe that you can have freedom but you really can because God says that you can and I think that perhaps he wants that for you. Look for that through him of course. I know that this is the hardest of all because you want to take the pain away from Michaela in some way or form you want to protect her still, but I just think that he can free your heart because he is God and he is the only one capable of doing that. I think when the miracle of that happens you will be able to do more with what he wants to accomplish with your life not that he has not accomplished alot already (don't get me wrong, I am just saying that he wants to use us all if we let him). You are already doing so much but you just don't realize it. The advice that you gave me about my dog last week changed the way I handled the whole situation and it gave me the courage to do what I needed to do. He used you and he is using you more than you know. I think that he is going to use your book in a way that you can not realize and in order for this to happen you have got to have the freedom to be able to do it. He is freedom and he is grace capable of doing the right thing for his Glory and Grace. We can not speculate what your book will do for others but I can imagine that it will be a tool to bring many to him and that is what is important in the scheme of this Earth and Heaven. The bigger picture is his Kingdom which as earthlings we do not fully comprehend what Jesus was really talking about when he spoke of his Kingdom but remember he said that it was on Earth as it is in Heaven meaning perhaps the fellowship we should have with one another and bringing his Church together. That is what he wants and in order to accomplish it there must be faith and in order to have faith we have to believe that we know what he has written in the Bible is true. I know that this is lengthy but I read some verses that I thought were helpful and I pray that God is writing my words to you in order to reveal his truth. That is all. I do not want any credit because I would love to give him credit because he is the great healer and the physician, mighty God and Peace of Peace which consist of FREEDOM. I think that FREEDOM is the message tonight for you, me and all of us. He wants us to know his type of FREEDOM because it reveals his Presence when we possess the FREEDOM that he can provide. I love you Sharon and pray that God uses me to help you in some way or form. That has always been my hope because that is what he wants us to do here on this Earth and to continue our love for one another in Heaven as if we were as ONE........BODY......ONE.....CHRIST.....THE CHRIST THAT STRENGTHENS US...HE IS THE ONLY ONE....THAT IS CAPABLE BUT THE STRENGTH ALSO COMES FROM HIS BODY.

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  19. Above, you mentioned that God didn't want the kidnapping to happen and even tried to stop it. You then provided a link, but the link provided a link back to this blog. Where would I find the post? I'm interested in the idea that God suffered as much as you did because I never looked at it that way before. If you are willing to share this post, I would appreciate it. Thank you

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  20. Kim ... was that in this post? I couldn't find the link......?

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  21. Oh, sorry. I should have specified. It was in your comment on this post from November 6, above. It says that God has given you answers and you know that He suffered as much as you did over Michaela's kidnapping.It then gives a website to your journey through sorrow, but when I visit it, it direct me back here. It's ok. I don't want to take up your time with this, I was just curious about your insight into this topic and how you feel he may have tried to prevent it. The idea really makes you think about the limitations free will imposes on God...
    Thanks again. I really appreciate what you write. It really does help a lot of people.

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  22. Kim, I think I know what you are talking about, but I'm not sure where to find it. If I figure it out I'll let you know. I definitely don't blame God for what happened.

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  23. Wondering..Does the heart still feel this ??? "All I do know is that God has stirred my heart for Nancy, and I think that's because he is reaching out to her, and I think that is because he knows that she will open her heart to receive him. And I believe she will be a blessing to the world before it's all said and done"

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  24. Very poetic, inspiring & hope-filled >> “Faith is like an ocean in which I swim, but sometimes I get thrown up on the beach and I sit there for awhile, drying out a bit, asking questions. But the depths call to me, and I plunge back in. I pray for the mind and heart of God, that his thoughts would be my thoughts, his desires would be my desires. I pray for answers and understanding, because I am intellectually driven. And I move forward on the path set out before me, even when it is dark. I know the light will come again.”

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  25. I see somebody really likes this post from years ago. What is your first name, if I can ask? It is true that not long after this I did lose my faith. I will admit that since then, even recently, I have actually tried to find it again, but it just doesn't make sense to me, and the exclusionist nature does not seem loving to me.

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    1. The exclusionist nature indeed does not seem loving. By definition :adjective: exclusionist. = “acting to shut out or bar someone from a place, group, or privilege.” Once a male living a homosexual lifestyle asked a thought provoking question “Why is that men are awarded medals for killing a man and condemned for loving one?”
      With my love for Christ journey I crossed a bridge of understanding the Biblical principles NOT by the Sodom condemnation doctrines but by viewing the pure deep rich relationships available such as with King David and Jonathan..Their friendship description:
      “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” I came to understand (by Holy Spirit/Wisdom) as I wrestled with the exclusive issue that: Anything short of the love of God 1st, in any relationship, steals from one's own self & the relationship the “fruits of the Spirit”..(love, joy, peace...etc)
      As for losing the faith your journey aligns with others who can make a huge spiritual difference. John the Baptist was valiant, bold and strong UNTIL he came under such terrible times of trouble he asked if Christ was the One ? Lamantations-Psalms and many other books are filled with crying out and questions of doubt.. Even Christ quoted Psalm 22 about feeling forsaken while on the cross.
      I underwent a long season of loss of faith and trying to find it. Proverbs 8 created a new direction, prayer focus and spiritual adventure that keeps unfolding.
      God Bless, Pilgrim http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+8

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  26. I will check out your blog, but what I see as exclusionist is the belief that everybody who believes a story is saved and everybody who does not is not. I have read the bible many times and I'm not sure there would be another way to interpret it. At this point I haven't tried. It is true that acceptance of gays is a big deal for me, as well, so your points are well taken.

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    1. It would not surprise me to hear of you noticing BUTTERFLIES in numerous different forms in the near future & coming seasons.

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    2. Because of upcoming obtaining of success > in reference to this portion of your comment concerning faith :
      “even recently, I have actually tried to find it again.”.

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    3. “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. ~Richard Bach”…
      Special YouTube video 4 you ” Monarch Butterfly Emerging “ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dt7OKlIOB0

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    4. I don't think I can take any more world endings. :(

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  27. No Blog but thanks for the idea and other shared thoughts.
    I believe in the gift of reincarnation as well as the ministering Biblical pearls. Therefore the separation issue of the beauty of Eternal relationship in a heavenly realm with like minds is temporary. To me it is not a belief in a story but an expressed love from & for Creator ....The Living Word.
    I was inspired by your poetic writing because it was a beautiful written reminder of the mysterious love I have with The refreshing Living Water & Guiding Wisdom of Light.
    God Bless, Pilgrim

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    1. Yes I saw that when I clicked on the link. Thanks. I tend toward reincarnation as well.

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  28. Hi Sharon,
    I'm seeking your council please. Last night and today I have had Nancy Garrido laid heavy on my heart to pray for. It is difficult to set my human judgments aside. I requested God's help on what direction to focus and felt impressed to come and read these 2009 blog entries and comments. It is very insightful and helpful and especially to see that you had reached the point of genuine prayer before concerning her.
    If ,though not confirmed, it is nearing the end of her life stay on earth...
    what do you think would be the most helpful prayer focus?
    Patricia

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    1. I don't really know anything of Nancy's condition right now. I haven't kept track of her since 2010. Sorry.

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  29. I believe I now have the answer to my request. Your blog comment on Sept 20th -2009 will be the theme for tonight's Vigil beginning sundown and going until mid-night..<3.

    “her willingness to fully cooperate with authorities and spill all regarding all of Philip Garrido's activities to which she may have been privy. “
    Thxs

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    1. You are too late. She has already fully cooperated, as has Philip Garrido. They have both been interviewed at length, and they have both been polygraphed. We are satisfied that they did not have anything to do with Michaela's kidnapping.

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    2. I understood going in that Garrido was cleared by Investigators from Michaela's case. I had seen the 1988 clear skinned, short hair photo of him the year she dissappearred :
      "Page by Cindy AdamsPage by . - Phillip Garrido in 1988 booking photo. (Nev. Dept. of Prisons Booking Photo).
      https://www.google.com/search?q=phillip+garrido+google+image&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-Address&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=iEafU7bYJJCpyASq44LgBQ&ved=0CCEQsAQ&biw=943&bih=516#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=xjXStqBtW7LuXM%253A%3BhfRWYTzDPVPTBM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.examiner.com%252Fimages%252Fblog%252FEXID1168%252Fimages%252FPhillip_Garrido_1988(4).jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.examiner.com%252Farticle%252Fjaycee-dugard-media-outlets-sue-to-obtain-parole-records-of-phillip-garrido%3B350%3B447

      and the long haired photo displayed during the property search was “Phillip Garrido's Arrest In 1976”

      https://www.google.com/search?q=phillip+garrido+google+image&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-Address&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=iEafU7bYJJCpyASq44LgBQ&ved=0CCEQsAQ&biw=943&bih=516#facrc=_&imgdii=xjXStqBtW7LuXM%3A%3BIo-JGVriZPOUhM%3BxjXStqBtW7LuXM%3A&imgrc=xjXStqBtW7LuXM%253A%3BhfRWYTzDPVPTBM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.examiner.com%252Fimages%252Fblog%252FEXID1168%252Fimages%252FPhillip_Garrido_1988(4).jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.examiner.com%252Farticle%252Fjaycee-dugard-media-outlets-sue-to-obtain-parole-records-of-phillip-garrido%3B350%3B447


      Why Nancy was laid on my heart and a small group of us prayed for her is best summarized in your words:
      “God is merciful to all of us who will accept his mercy.  And he is the judge, not us.”



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  30. I may be wrong, but from somewhere I had the understanding that Nancy had become a Christian. For what it's worth, our investigator read her my blogs and according to him she cried.

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