Friday, December 25, 2009

Dear Michaela,

Merry Christmas, baby girl. 

Christmas is not what is used to be.  It is a little after 7 a.m., and I am sitting here alone, drinking my coffee and writing in my blog.  In years past, the kids would have been up at the crack of dawn, dragging me out of bed so they could open their presents.  Now they are older, and there isn't much that makes them want to wake up early!  And the presents aren't so exciting anymore.  It's been a lean year, so the  presents are fewer and less expensive, but apart from that, the kids have grown up, and they have jobs.  They make money and if there is something little that they want, they buy it for themselves.  Gone are the days when a $20 toy could make someone's eyes light up with excitement! 

But we are here together, and we love each other, and that is what is important.  But how about you?

I talked to Auntie Joy in England yesterday.  You remember Auntie Joy, don't you?  We were talking about how Christmas has changed, how it is never the same after you lose the ones you love.  This is my 22nd Christmas without you.  It is my sixth Christmas without my mother. 

I know I still hold out hope for you.  Just today I got a voicemail on my public number from "anonymous," and as I pulled it up to listen, I was absolutely positive that I would hear your voice.  And I was sure I would recognize your voice.  Every time I go to check my post office box, as I turn the key I hold my breath, hoping and praying that inside I will find a letter from you.  If I didn't believe you could still be alive, I wouldn't get these thoughts.  Each time so far I have been disappointed.  But I have to remind myself about Jaycee's mom, about how she got up and went to work like any other ordinary day, and then in the middle of the afternoon she got that phone call....

Wherever you are, Michaela, I hope you have a joyous Christmas.  I have reached the point of understanding that this is actually possible, that you could actually have happiness wherever you are ... although I believe that for that to have happened, someone would have had to change your mindset, to change your standards for happiness.  I also will have happiness today, because your brothers and sisters will bring me joy. 

I ask you again, to bring me real joy.  My home number doesn't have a phone attached to it.  It only goes to voicemail.  But you could leave me a message!  It is (510) 276-8769.  If you do call and leave a message, tell me something so that I will know it is you.  Tell me our family code word.  Tell me what you bought for me at a garage sale.  Tell me anything that you remember that nobody else would know.  You wouldn't even have to talk to me, wouldn't even have to answer any questions.  My Christmas gift from you would be to know that you are alive, to know that you are okay -- to know that you are reading my letters to you.  Or you could send me an e-mail at, or leave a comment on this blog. 

Please.  That would be the best Christmas gift of all!

I love you forever, Michaela.


  1. Sharon, I love the way you wrote the invitation at the end of the letter, for Michaela to reach out and contact you. The fact that you have stated no strings attached-no questions asked, call and leave a message, it's not necessary to have a conversation, and that you only want to know she is alive is as open, understanding, and non-threatening/non-intimidating, as can be. Who knows-it may be exactly at the 'emotional place' your precious daughter is. It seems it would be effective and necessary to say all that you did in order to possibly get a post, call, letter, e-mail, or message from Michaela. This is especially in light of the possibility that Michaela could be finding happiness in ways that a person stripped of her identity would have to do in order to function, and that she survived by adjusting to her situation-albeit deprived of her original and purely loving family, and underneath it all, has a lot of fear of disobeying the person in control of her life, happiness, survival, health, and future. I think you captured that possibility very well in your invitation for Michaela to reach out in some way.

  2. Dear Michaela,
    There must be a way to reach out to our mom-who endlessly prays for you, loves you and gave birth to you. Just tell her you are alive. There must be a way to do this without endangering yourself, or your children-if you have them. It might seem overwhelming, but with what you have been through, you can do this.

    In your bones, you must know the truth- that you were deeply loved, your name is Michaela, and that you are a very special person, and have a lot of gifts to offer the world. You were not given up for adoption, and you were not sold. You were taken-snatched from the safety and love of your family, when you were 9 years old. Look into your heart for the truth and the answers. Michaela, look into your soul. There must be a deep feeling of emptiness that can be filled by reaching out to your mom and your family. Think about how you can do this in a way that keeps you safe.

    Recognize that you are blessed. You are God's child. Go inward to feel your family's warmth, love and passion for your safety and well-being. It has always been there. They have been waiting so long and hoping so hard for your safe return, or to at least hear from you. You must know in your mind there is something more, that someone/something profound is missing in your life. You can write to or call, or leave a message for your mom.

    Michaela, I don't know you. I am writing to you as a person who just wants to make the world better, and as a mom, who, as a child, was able to escape a near abduction. Then, as a young adult, I was under someone's spell, and had to get away to save myself. It was quite an escape. The experience was life-changing. It was so difficult because I did love the man whose spell I was under, but he didn't treat me with respect and dignity. In fact, it was abusive. I would never have grown to be the best me I can be. Michaela, please know that it is OK to lie to survive. Watever you have done and had to do to stay alive is exactly that-what you had to do. You are a survivor.

    You deserve only the best life, only a loving life, one where you are free to become and encouraged to be the best Michaela you can be. You deserve all the gifts that come with having a loving, supportive, and nurturing family. If this is what you have now, it should not be a problem to let your mom know you are alive, and to accept her plea and invitation to receive her love into your life.

    Michaela, be safe, and think about the next step you can take. You have so much to gain. Call mom at (510) 276-8769. give both of you this sacred gift.