Friday, January 15, 2010

All we need is love, Part 3 (my husband)

Okay, "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam keeps playing over and over in my head, and tugging at my heart, and I just kept trying to figure out exactly why, what is it I apparently need to see here.  And I finally figured it out ... or rather, the answer finally formed in my heart.  It is for my husband. 

When you have been hurt deeply by love, it is the most natural thing in the world to withdraw from it.  Now there are certain types of love it is just impossible to withdraw from, like the love of a mother for a child.  But the optional ones you tend to push away.  That is why it is so common for parents who have lost a child to end up divorcing.  It happened to me, after Michaela was kidnapped.  I've had so many reporters in this last year wanting me to explain to them why that happened, and I just can't.  Who can unravel her own heart and figure out why it does what it does?  Not me.  But it happened.

Even though Michaela was not kidnapped in this last year, the events of the year really, truly made it feel like it had just happened.  And I will admit, I have really, truly been a basket case -- maybe even more so than the first time, because now I have so much practice at being a basket case I am really good at it!  Or perhaps it is just because I when Jaycee was found, I really, truly believed that Michaela would be found with her.  I woke up at 5:00 in the morning to the news that Jaycee had been found, and had been found here in the Bay Area,and I just knew that Michaela would be with her.  There had always been a link between the cases in my mind, from the time Jaycee was kidnapped.  And it has happened on several occasions that when one missing child is found, another is found with him or her.  So when those hopes crashed, they crashed hard.  Meanwhile, every feeling was dredged up, fresh and raw.  Honestly, I sometimes didn't think I could just keep getting up every day and doing what I had to do.  If I'd had a choice, I probably wouldn't have.  Sometimes in the worst of times, responsibility is what saves us.

But my heart ... well, you know, if you have been reading my blog ... it felt like a soggy mess clumped in the middle of my chest.  And it wasn't working properly.  In some areas, it worked overtime, and in some areas, it just drew back.  I know that one of those areas was my marriage.  I was aware of it.  I thought to myself, if I keep behaving this way, I am going to end up divorced.  But it was compulsive, automatic, and I just could not change my patterns of behavior.

My husband is not Michaela's father.  He never knew her.  He can imagine how I feel, but only from that necessary distance of people who haven't experienced it and don't want to experience it.  Like everybody!  There was one program that aired this past year about Michaela, can't remember which, that my husband watched, and he told me that it was the first time he'd really been able to feel the reality of Michaela's kidnapping.  I could tell him, "I'm having a really hard time now," but he couldn't possibly know the depth of it.  He's been very good throughout it.  He's been as understanding as he could be.  But it has impacted him, and even he has recently noted that things really could not go on the way they have been, and I just sat mute.  I thought, I know that, but I feel powerless to change.

Then this verse from the Pearl Jam song started playing over and over and over and over and over again in my head, and finally I understood it. 

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh.
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh.
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love.
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh.
Stay with me...
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh.
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh.
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me...
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see.
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean,
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh.
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh.
Nothing you would take,
Everything you gave,
Hold me till I die,
Meet you on the other side.

So I've written about this song several times now, but it just captures the whole of choosing to love even though you know you/they will die, leave, whatever.  I feel that line, "Oh I don't want to hurt. There's so much in this world to make me bleed."  And yet what if I don't open up to love, what if I don't tell you that I need you, I want you, I love you?  Then I am a fool. 

There are so many people who suffer from this syndrome.  Anybody who has had their heart broken, by a parent, a child, a boyfriend or girlfriend, is a little reluctant to lay it on the line again.  But you've just gotta do it!

So I crawled out of my shell, and I told my husband that I want him, that I need him, and that I love him.  I talked about some of the things I have been going through.  You know, when you hold your love back from someone, they tend to feel it is because there is something wrong with them, that they are somehow not good enough, and I don't want him to feel that way.  He is no more perfect than I am, but he is a good husband, and I do love him.  And talking, reaching out, emerging from my shell a little bit, helped to open up some of those places that have been sealed off by the pain of these last few months. 

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I can't allow myself to behave destructively in my relationships.  If you are not willing to put your heart out there, then one day you just might wake up and realize that you have lost something that you really, actually loved, and it will be too late to do anything about it.  If love hurts you through no fault of your own, that's one thing.  If it hurts you because you have been a fool, that's another.  Don't make yourself live with regrets.

7 comments:

  1. Dear Sharon,

    Once again I am stunned by your eloquence in putting into words what so many of us feel. My heart feels so full with your new insight, and I apply it to my life as well, as always. Thank you for sharing your personal journey and your gift of writing about it. Thank you for sharing the words that give clarity to my jumbled thoughts. I'm gonna hug that sweet, albeit human (like ME!!!), guy of mine when I get home, just a little bit harder tonight. Peace, Sharon, have a wonderful day!
    Penny V.

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  2. Sharon, I read your blog from time to time and find your words very inspiring. It is so true that certain songs can really encompass everything we feel at times. There is a song by one of my favorite artists that always makes me think about my baby daugther. Please listen to You Make It Real by James Morrison if you are able. Such an amazing song...

    You Make It Real:

    There’s so much craziness
    Surrounding me
    There’s so much going on
    It gets hard to breathe
    When all my faith has gone
    You bring it back to me
    You make it real for me

    When I’m not sure of my priorities
    When I’ve lost sight of, of where I’m meant to be
    Like holy water washing over me
    You make it real for me

    And I’m running to you baby
    You are the only one who’ll save me
    That’s why I’ve been missing you lately
    Coz you make it real for me

    When my head is strong
    But my heart is weak
    I’m full of arrogance and uncertainty
    When I can’t find the words
    You teach my heart to speak
    You make it real for me

    And I’m running to you baby
    Coz you are the only one who’ll save me
    That’s why I’ve been missing you lately
    Coz you make it real for me

    Oh everybody’s talking
    In words I don’t understand
    You’ve got to be the only one
    Who knows just who I am
    You’re shining in the distance
    I hope I can make it through
    Coz the only place that I want to be
    Is right back home with you

    I guess there’s so much more
    That I have to learn
    But if you’re here with me
    I know which way to turn
    You always give me somewhere
    Somewhere I can run
    You make it real for me

    And I’m running to you baby
    Coz you are the only one who’ll save me
    That’s why I’ve been missing you lately
    Coz you make it real for me
    You make it real for me

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  3. Hi Sharon - I just put up the previous post and forgot to tell you something. I remember Michaela's case very well as she and I are only months apart in age. I also remember because I have a cousin Michaela's age that lived in Union City at the time of her kidnapping. My mom had a discussion with me after Michaela was kidnapped...she talked about what happened and what I should do in the same situation. So, while I can only imagine the pain you have had to endure, please know that I was one child that was warned about the dangers of the world because of Michaela's sacrifice.

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  4. HELLO SHARON,I COME IN HERE ALMOST EVERYDAY TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE POSTED NEW.I COME IN HERE WITH HOPE TO SOMEDAY FIND GREAT NEWS.EVENTHOUGH SOMETIMES YOU DON'T POST ANYTHING FOR DAYS, I STILL READ OVER AND OVER AGAIN YOUR INSPIRING WORDS. I DON'T GET TIRED OF DOING IT, YOUR AN AMAZING WRITER. YOUR AN AMAZING MOTHER. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. I CAN'T SAY I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS TO LOSE A CHILD(GOD FOR BID I NEVER DO),BUT BY READING YOUR WORDS WE ALL CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN. I SAID THIS TO YOU BEFORE IN ANOTHER COMMENT I POSTED ,AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...YOU ARE NOT ALONE YOU HAVE MANY MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH A GREAT HEART WHO WILL MAKE SURE HER FACE STAYS OUT THERE. I'M FROM NJ ,AND I MYSELF SEND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS REQUEST FROM MYSPACE PAGE THAT I HAVE DEDICATED TO THE MISSING CHILDREN AND ADULTS. I FEEL THAT NOMATTER WHAT PART OF THE WORLD WE ARE IN KEEPING THEIR FACES OUT THERE IS A GREAT THING TO DO. WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE MISSING KIDS AND ADULTS COULD BE. YOU HAVE ALOT OF ANGELS OUT THERE BY YOUR SIDE HELPING AND I'M ONE OF THOSE ANGELS WHO WILL ALWAYS KEEP HER FACE OUT THERE ,AND MANY OTHERS FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. ANOTHER THING I WANT TO TELL YOU BEFORE I STOP ...SORRY FOR ALL THE WRITING ,BUT I WRITE AS IT COMES TO ME SO I WONT FORGET WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I READ A STORY A FEW MONTHS AGO OF A LADY WHO FOUND HER FAMILY AFTER MORE THAN 35 YRS OR MORE. I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO IT WAS ,SO THAT I CAN SEND YOU THE LINK AND YOU CAN SEE. SHE WAS TAKEN WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG TO ANOTHER STATE,AND WHEN SHE BECAME OLDER SOMETHING DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT TO HER. ONEDAY SHE FOUND I THINK IT WAS HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE OR SOMETHING HIDDEN IN THE TRUNK OF ONE OF HER FAMILY MEMBERS(SHE THOUGHT WAS HER FAMILY), AND NOTICED HER NAME AND BIRTH CERTIFICATE WERE CHANGED. THE STORY DOESNT GO EXACTLY LIKE THAT ,BUT SIMILAR. I'M JUST TRYIN TO REMEMBER IT CLEARLY.I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DON'T EVER LOSE FAITH , LIFE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS .SHE COULD BE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE AND NOT KNOW FOR SURE WHO SHE IS. SOMEDAY WITH GOD'S HELP,AND THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH A GREAT HEART WE CAN FIND SOME KIND OF ANSWERS, AND HOPEFULLY YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. I'M GOING TO TRY AND FIND THE STORY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT SO YOU CAN READ. IT WOULD GIVE MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE HOPE TO SOMEDAY FIND THEIR LOVED ONES....TAKE CARE SHARON ,AND GOD BLESS YOU ,AND YOUR FAMILY...LOTS OF HUGS FROM NEW JERSEY
    MARTINA

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  5. HELLO SHARON, IT'S ME AGAIN. I FOUND THE LINK. I WAS WAY OFF SORRY ,THE WOMEN WAS 61YRS OLD, AND FOUND HER FAMILY AFTER 55YRS, NOT 35. HER ABDUCTER HAD CHANGED HER NAME , AND BIRTHDATE. HERE'S THE LINK
    http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Weekend/missing-girl-reunited-family-55-years/story?id=9088670&page=2

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  6. THIS IS THE FIRST PAGE OF THE STORY, THE ONE I SENT YOU BEFORE IS THE SECOND PAGE. HERE'S THE LINK


    http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Weekend/missing-girl-reunited-family-55-years/story?id=9088670&page=1

    MARTINA

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