Well, I checked in here and was really happy to see that many of you are still coming to visit my blog, even though I have been absent for awhile. 2010 is a new leaf in the book of my life. Who knows what it will bring before it is over, but in these early days, I am just slowly unwinding from 2009. There are so many good things in life right now, and I need to just enjoy those things, and be a normal person, and as much as I really love all you people who have become my "friends" through your compassion for what happened to my daughter, I have just felt a need to withdraw into my life, and my family. So that's why I haven't been here.
Okay, there's a bit of the shadow still to be shaken I will admit. Today I got a book called "On a Night Like This" by Ellen Sussman. It's a love story, of course, about a man who goes in search of a missing classmate for a high school reunion and falls in love with her, and decides to go ahead and risk getting involved in a relationship with her, in spite of the fact that she is dying. Oh, and she's a single mom with a teenage daughter as well. Now why would I want to torture myself with a book like this? I don't know, and I can't even guarantee you that I will finish it. But I'm writing a book report on this before even reading it, and I'm thinking, it's just a microcosm of reality. So this guy chooses love knowing its end, able to actually see it and touch it. But the end is the same for all of us, one way or the other, even though it may take an entire lifetime.
I've been really caught up by the song "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam lately. I didn't like it immediately, but it's just kind of clutched at me. It starts out with the theme of loss, "Yes, I understand that every life must end." Not a good beginning. I think that the part that gets me the most are the verses that say, "Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see.... No one knows this more than me."
And this is what those verses say to me -- that you have got to embrace love in your life. You can't hide, live in a cave. You can't be afraid of loss. You just have to recognize that love is all the more precious.
Anyway. My life is filled with so many good things, so many wonderful people. (Have I said those words, "my children" again? I am sure everybody gets tired of me bragging about what wonderful people they are, but they are. Well, most of the time they are.) I just have to realize how blessed I am.
On Thursday, I will be meeting with our investigators at Hayward P.D. I don't think there is anything earth shattering going on with the case, but once a month or so they take me out out to lunch, and just kind of fill me in on things. They are still working on it, or trying to work on it. Please, everybody send positive energy to Hayward, California, that it may remain peaceful. Please, all you people in Hayward, stop hurting each other and committing crimes, so the investigators will have time to find Michaela!
I am ready for a resolution now. I want to know the truth about what happened, even if it is not pleasant. Whatever happened, happened. If Michaela could endure it, then I can endure hearing it. So if there is anybody out there who hasn't wanted to tell us what happened because I said I didn't want to know that particular thing, you can tell us now.
And Michaela, my dear, sweet daughter, you tell me. I've asked you to call me or write to me if you are alive. Now I ask, wherever you are, tell me, please. I love you, baby girl.