Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Revolution

It is really disconcerting how things can change.  You get up one morning and at the end of the day the whole world has changed.  Sometimes it's bad, and that's what we live in fear of.  But it can be good as well.  Loves can be found as well as lost, jobs gained.  The stock market can dive, or you can hold the winning lottery ticket.  But the point is that our world, our lives, which seem so stable, are actually very precariously balanced.

It is even more disturbing when the changes take place inside yourself.  We expect not to have control over the outside world, but we doggone well control our inner world, don't we?  We know who we are, what we are, and our lives are as stable as a rock for better or for worse.  But then the planets align, the earth shifts on its axis, and we wake up one day and the landscape has changed and we see everything differently. 

Of course, this can be good.  For me, I passed my birthday and the entry into a new year (and a new decade) on the same day last week.  It is difficult for me to explain what happened, but it felt as though a rubber band snapped in my mind, and it jolted me right out of where I'd been.  It was good because I had been suffering from a crushing, energy-sapping depression for a few months now, and suddenly I was filled with energy and optimism.  But my thought patterns had changed also, and that was scary because it was such a departure from who I knew myself to be.  And what was even scarier was the thought that if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.  That makes the world a little scary. 

My depression this year was well earned, with all that went on with Michaela, with the soaring hopes and crushing disappointments, with the exhaustion that rose out of the massive international media attention her case got, having to keep east coast schedules on the west coast, and having to talk, talk, talk, and answer the same questions over and over again, tell stories for the hundredth time as though I'd never told them before.  It was what it was, had its purposes, was necessary.  Who knows where it will lead.  But it left me a basket case, and I am so glad that weight has lifted!

I don't know what 2010 will hold, but it feels as though it will be a year of great changes, and it feels as though it will be good.  Will I find Michaela?  I don't know.  Will I find peace?  I hope so.

3 comments:

  1. Sharon - I share your 2010 sentiments (as well as those about 2009!). Sometimes I read your writing and think your words came straight out of my brain! You have a way with communicating your thoughts and feelings through the written word in a way that is so relatable! Thank you for being true to yourself and always searching for faith and hope in our God! It lifts me up and I know it is an inspiration to many others! Love you! - Kat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon,
    I just want to say that I think your letters to Michaela are so beautiful and so heartfelt. Wherever she is she knows you love her and that will never change. I think you will find peace... in fact I think in many ways you have. I have an 18 year old daughter and I worry about her every day... she is so carefree and just floats around in life like there are no worries. I am glad for that because the alternative would be sad... but at the same time I am scared for her and worry about every parents nightmares... your nightmares. I want you to know that my heart is with you and in this comment... is a thousand hugs... I know it's past Nov. 19th but I plan to plant a rose in my garden and tie both a peach and a yellow ribbon around the stems...in honor of Michaela... wherever she is... remember... she knows you love her.
    Take care of you... always... hugs to you as well.. Elise

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am glad you are doing better! Thanks for the encouragement, if you can get up quickly, I should be able to as well.

    Diana

    ReplyDelete