Yesterday I posted something on facebook about how I wished that the road could just be smooth, without bumps and jolts. Someone responded that it sounded as though I was talking about the California highway system, and I responded to that by saying that if so, the problem was that my shock absorbers were shot.
And this is a fact.
The smallest things seem to set me off these days. Things that others might brush off, sometimes even things that don't exist, devastate me. I have zero tolerance for emotional pain. Whether it is in my life, in the lives of those I love, or even in a doggone song, book, or movie, the whisper of emotional pain literally feels like a knife slicing through my heart. I know, I understand the dark side of things. I know that even sorrow has its good side, that through its lessons we learn, we grow, we become people we never would have become otherwise (for better or worse!). But I just don't know if I can bear any more.
I've lost a little over thirty pounds in the last few months. I have been trying to eat healthy foods, and I have been going to the gym (as much to try to work off stress as anything else), but the thing that is really responsible is the sadness and anxiety that fills my stomach with its fine gravel, leaving no room for anything else. It's kind of a vicious circle, really, since giving up food means giving up one of the things I have used for self-comforting most of my life. I have felt a little adrift. "What do I do with myself now?" Well, I clean the bathroom a lot!
I write here much less often than I might otherwise. I hesitate to share my feelings in public these days. Part of the reason is because I don't want people to look at me and think that I am weak or broken somehow. I don't want them to be afraid to be my friend, I don't want them to be afraid to trust me with either their hearts or their responsibilities.
I don't want people to think I might collapse. I won't. I know this. So many of you have said that I am strong, and you are right. I am. I am just also very sad, and I have very much had enough of sadness. But given the circumstances, if that were not true, that would probably be grounds for wondering about me!
And I want you to know that the love and kindnesses that are extended to me here, and on facebook, and in my real life, whether by people I know or by people I have never met, often moves me to tears.