Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Grief

Yesterday I posted something on facebook about how I wished that the road could just be smooth, without bumps and jolts.  Someone responded that it sounded as though I was talking about the California highway system, and I responded to that by saying that if so, the problem was that my shock absorbers were shot.

And this is a fact.

The smallest things seem to set me off these days.  Things that others might brush off, sometimes even things that don't exist, devastate me.  I have zero tolerance for emotional pain.  Whether it is in my life, in the lives of those I love, or even in a doggone song, book, or movie, the whisper of emotional pain literally feels like a knife slicing through my heart.  I know, I understand the dark side of things.  I know that even sorrow has its good side, that through its lessons we learn, we grow, we become people we never would have become otherwise (for better or worse!).  But I just don't know if I can bear any more.

I've lost a little over thirty pounds in the last few months.  I have been trying to eat healthy foods, and I have been going to the gym (as much to try to work off stress as anything else), but the thing that is really responsible is the sadness and anxiety that fills my stomach with its fine gravel, leaving no room for anything else.  It's kind of a vicious circle, really, since giving up food means giving up one of the things I have used for self-comforting most of my life.  I have felt a little adrift.  "What do I do with myself now?"  Well, I clean the bathroom a lot!

I write here much less often than I might otherwise.  I hesitate to share my feelings in public these days.  Part of the reason is because I don't want people to look at me and think that I am weak or broken somehow.  I don't want them to be afraid to be my friend, I don't want them to be afraid to trust me with either their hearts or their responsibilities.

I don't want people to think I might collapse.  I won't.  I know this.  So many of you have said that I am strong, and you are right.  I am.  I am just also very sad, and I have very much had enough of sadness.  But given the circumstances, if that were not true, that would probably be grounds for wondering about me!

And I want you to know that the love and kindnesses that are extended to me here, and on facebook, and in my real life, whether by people I know or by people I have never met, often moves me to tears.

Thank you.

4 comments:

  1. Awww Sharon,

    You are the most REAL person I have ever "met" -- hands down! Your articulation of your feelings is such a gift to all who are lucky enough to read your writings. Of course, you are sad! You are a human and you have been subjected to challenges that would break any strong person's heart -- many years ago, and just recently with the hope that surfaced, which has taken its toll on your poor heart. I DO NOT WORRY you will collapse. I only ascribe to be more like you; that is why I come here. Because I know that you are not only going to say it like it is, but you are going to share yourself and all the vulnerability that makes you -- and all of us -- human. I can't not come here sometimes because you make me feel okay. Does that make sense? I wish I could do the same for you, in just an infintesimal (where is spell check when you need it?) amount, but all I can do is reach out from my keyboard and send you a hug and remind you of how very much God loves you. I can also thank you for trusting all of US with your words, your joy, your pain and your friendship. I would consider it an honor to someday meet you. You've pulled me through quite a few rough times myself. Sharon, you're awesome, and don't forget it! Now, get your joy on, in some small way that becomes a large way. I send you a smile. Thank you for being here!

    Penny V.

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  2. Sharon, it has been an honor and an inspiration getting to know you on Facebook. Nothing you could possibly say or do would prevent me from wanting to be your friend, and a shoulder for you, too, if you should ever need one. Even the most courageous among us (and I consider you one of them) feel fear. I really admire all of the different outlets you've found to channel your emotions into - this blog, your gym visits...and even cleaning the bathroom! I only hope that you are using these outlets to let the emotions out, and not to stuff them further inside. What you've been through - what you're still going through - is more horrific than an outsider can possibly imagine. But we, your friends, are here for you. Please don't be afraid to lean on us.

    Sending you prayers and a hug,

    JaimeLyn

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  3. You rock, Sharon. You are so brave to put your emotions, your words, thoughts and yourself out there. I really respect you.

    I'm sorry you've been going through a tougher spell. I wish for you some long moments of sheer happiness. You deserve it. And I wish for you a deeper sense of peace and some relief from your burden, somehow.

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  4. Sharon thank you for putting into words feelings...I am the sibling of a missing person my sister went missing in 1968 age 17... I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts and even though I cannot imagine your pain it does help me . I wish you peace. Congratulations to Robbie.
    Cathy sister to Maria Aldridge

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