Thursday, March 4, 2010

Dear Michaela (Rainbows and Ribbons)

Yesterday I was driving home across the San Mateo Bridge when the most amazing rainbow appeared!  This was a full rainbow, which began in the waters of the Bay on one side of the bridge, spanned over it and disappeared into the waters on the other side of the Bridge.  But what was so remarkable about it was its brilliance.  I have never in my life seen a rainbow that was so brilliant, so vivid, so solid.  The rainbow was set against a backdrop of the deepest gray sky and water, which made it even brighter. I got a few photos, but of course they couldn't do it justice.  They are only taken with a cell phone, through the windows of the car.

The rainbow was so breathtaking.  I know it was a meteorological phenomenon, and yet when you see something as beautiful as that, there is just this natural inclination to think that it was put there for you somehow, that it was some sort of a sign.

Traditionally, rainbows have been a sign for many things, but for me, rainbows are always associated with you.  Do you remember in the months before you were taken away from me, you were almost obsessed with drawing rainbows?  You drew them in almost every picture.  I remember one in particular where you drew an angel standing underneath a rainbow.  Of course, I believed that angel was you!  So with all that has been going on, that rainbow on that day at that time was like a promise being held out to me, and it was a promise of you.

In my last blog I talked about a woman who thinks she knows where you are, who you are, and she claims that you don't want to have any contact with your family.  Well, her reasoning seems to be faulty, because she said you have endured so much pain, you just want to move on.  But that pain was the result of being taken away from me, and so I want to say, how could coming home cause you pain?  Yet I have to acknowledge that this could be a difficult thing for you.  On so many level, such deep levels, I know that if you are somewhere and you have made peace with the way you are living now, coming home could just serve to remind you of all that you have missed all along, and perhaps you don't want to think about those things, perhaps you don't want to feel those things.  Perhaps you are ashamed because of some of the things you have been forced to endure ... but if so, don't be!  None of what happened was your fault, and there is nothing that could have been done to you, and not even anything you yourself could have done that could make me love you any less!  You are my daughter, my baby.  You are my first child, the one who opened my heart up in the beginning.  I love you forever, and you know that, so remember it and let it be real to you!

Lately, I have been marveling at the state of the ribbons I have tied on my front porch.  I put them there last November, on the anniversary of your kidnapping.  That means they have been there for three and a half months now, and those three and a half months have been full of raging storms!  Trees have fallen, but those ribbons have hung on, and not only have they hung on, they look as clean and fresh and pristine as they did the day I hung them.

Sometimes, they get a little soggy.  I took this photo yesterday,, after days of drenching rains and winds.  The ribbon is soaked and stuck to the railing, but it is intact.

When the rain stops, however, the ribbon just springs right back to life, looking every bit as much as it did on the day I hung it there.

This ribbon is a picture of my love for you.  Not all the time, not all the storms, all the wind and rain, can change it.  The dirt and dust will never settle on it.  It remains just as fresh and clean as it was on that first day when I held you in my arms and looked into your beautiful little face.  You were a miracle then.  You are a miracle now.  You have been given a very hard road to walk in this life, but it is not an aimless journey.  You do have a destination.  You do have a destiny.  And that destiny is one of love and hope and faith.  Many people over the years have somehow taken comfort from me and what I have suffered, and the roads I have walked through that suffering.  How much more will they take comfort from you!  I know all that happened, and yet you have to believe me that you are not a victim.  In your heart, you are a Victor.  I know this.  I know your heart, and its strength and its love, and I know that it may be wounded, but there is nothing that this world could heap on it that could ever, ever destroy it.

Maybe even these things sound a little scary to you, but don't be scared.  I promise, I will be here for you.  I will hold your hand through every step of the journey you wish, and I also promise that when you want me to (and only when you want me to), I will let go of it also.  Just take that first step.  Come home.

I love you forever, baby girl.
mom






12 comments:

  1. Wow, what a pretty rainbow! Sometimes, beautiful scenes like that in nature seem like a sign from God, and maybe they are. They remind me of a famous Swedish poem from Ingmar Bergman's movie, Wild Strawberries:

    Where is the friend I seek at the break of day?
    When night falls I still have not found Him.
    My burning heart shows me His traces.
    I see His traces wherever flowers bloom.
    His love is mingled in every air.

    Even though I struggle with my faith, when I see beautiful things like your rainbow, I am reminded of God's love for us. At the very least, I can't help but marvel at the beauty of the natural world. Little things like that can make life a little more tolerable.

    Jen Benjamin

    ReplyDelete
  2. First of all WOW!! That really is a glorious rainbow. Second of all, I know those words are ment for Michaela but really, I just have to tell you that they are so beautiful. Sharon you are an amazing I mean seriously outstanding writer.

    Your words flow like poetry and each sentence has so much depth behind it. I just thought I should tell you that. You just describe so beautifully a mothers love for her child.

    Finally, as silly as this sounds (im not a mother so i dont no) but I find it incredible that after 21 whole years you still have so much love and pain and sorrow and devotion for the child you only knew for 9 years. Im sure most mothers would, but personally i think, i would just give up, put it to rest and carry on with my own life. But your love is just as immense, your pain is just as raw and your devotion never seems to wain the slightest. You seem to connect Michaela to every part of your life despite so much changing since the last time you saw her. I also find it incredible how you remember so much of her childhood, the tiny things which most people with regular lives would probably forget. So in other words I think you are an incredible mother and Michaela is lucky to have you. I think the day Michaela finally realizes how much you do still love her and miss her, shes going to be blown away. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Rainbow Market" comes to mind here for me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Z, I have to laugh at you. Get back to me after you have kids! This is just an ordinary mother's heart!

    Thanks, though, for all your kind words!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Its true Sharon! I honestly can't imagine having so much devotion or love towards a person like this. I suppose I'm still in selfish brat mode, need to grow up a little. Im sure it must feel great to love someone like that. But I can guarantee it must feel euphoric to actually BE loved like that. As you said most mothers do love thier child this way, but not all mothers can express the way you do and for that Michaela and all your kids are very lucky. If those words were said to me by my mum, I would just melt.
    But still 21 years is a long time to wait for someone, but i guess your response to that would be Michaela is more than just 'someone'. Nevertheless I still commend your love for her. To me its extraordinary xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. I LOVE reading your blog Sharon! I wish my mother loved me like this. In almost every one of your writings, you move me to tears. If Michaela is reading this, I can't imagine her not being as moved as I am by your love. As always....praying for her safe return to her loving mother's arms.

    -Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is on one hand so incredibly sad and heartbreaking and then also such a beautiful testament to a mother's love.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sharon does have a mother's heart and love. And yes, after so many years - it is just as strong as it was the day Michaela was born. Only a mother knows this love. Your words and writings put all of us mothers love and devotion to our children into such poetry. Thank you , Sharon for your beautiful words and expressing what I never could. -Marcia

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your love goes all over your blog... I admire you and as you know... I am here..when you want to talk.
    DI

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow....what a great way to express the true strength of the heart. We usually see the negatives of experiencing pain - it causes us to withdraw, lose hope, get angry, deal with psychological strife, and even block off love. I appreciate your portrayal of being the Victor over pain, instead of being the victim. What an awesome perspective!! I have never thought about pain this way before, and it will be of great help to me personally. You and Michaela continue to strengthen hearts and minds through this ordeal. Thank you for the blessing and may God bless you a million times over.

    I will continually pray for God to reveal Michaela's whereabouts to you soon. I am so sorry for the vicious cycle of constantly wondering. It is really hard to catch a good rainbow - perhaps it is a sign of hope.

    On the prior blog, it does seem like the advocate brings up credible information. There are adoption advocates out there and there are adoption certificate numbers. Like others, it seems like she put herself out there, and then pulled back in fear of something. I can't think of a logical thing to fear.

    Thanks for the thoughts. Michaela, you are deeply loved by your mom.

    Diana

    ReplyDelete
  11. My mother came looking for me 21 years after she put me up for adoption. She waited and bided her time all those years until the laws changed and she could track me down. She only knew me for 10 days. Unfortunately reconnecting hasn't been as smooth as they portray in the movies, but it is testament of how a mother's love never wanes.

    On the other hand, my adoptive mother hasn't spoken to me for 19 years. She's in her 70s now and seems to have no plans to rekindle our relationship before she dies. Neither do I, for good reasons, but she is a mother. When I see how much other mother's ache and suffer at being separated from their children, I can't help but wonder how mine can voluntarily choose to be apart from her only daughter.

    Sharon I read your words and wonder what it must be like to have a mother who loves the way you do with all your children. Michaela is blessed to have had 9 years of the best version of mother love, and 21 years more of it even in her absence. I pray God brings you answers and that Michaela is right on the verge of finding her way home to you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Sharon,

    Ever since the Jaycee case came to light I have been following your story. I pray that you get answers someday. You certainly deserve that. I have read about the similarites of Michaela and Jaycee's case. One thing I noticed when looking at pics of Garridos house inside was the choice of artwork in the living room. A painting of a young blonde girl surrounded by flowers. What a strange choice of artwork for either Nancy or Phil to choose. Of all the artwork in the world why a portrait of a pretty young blonde girl? This caught my eye immediately and seemed very strange. I would assume the police have noticed this. Here is a link
    http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/images/09/21/garrido.home.9.jpg

    and image #14 below

    http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-news-photogallery-garridocompound,0,5088332.photogallery

    I wish you nothing but inner peace and hope your prayers are answered. Praying for you in West Virginia

    ReplyDelete