Sunday, August 15, 2010

Never trouble trouble

I want to write a brief blog to thank all those who have continued to faithfully visit this page, even when I haven't been visiting it myself, and especially those who have sent me messages and e-mails. I really appreciate your care and concern. I guess that emotionally I have reached that place where I am back to trying to bury my head in the sand. You know you can only feel really intensely for so long and then you reach the point where you have to either shut it down or it will shut you down. Too, too much feeling going on in this last year. Recently I read an article in the Oakland Tribune. It was about the fact that little Hassani Campbell has been missing for a year, but it opened with me finding out that Jaycee Dugard had been found. Just reading those words transported me back to that day ... almost a year ago now. For a few moments all those feelings from that time flooded over me, and the tears came to my eyes. But then I had to shut it down. 

I find I am left with a lingering sense of anxiety. I haven't strayed too far from home since all this happened last year. I have these nameless worries, this kind of feeling that I need to stay close to home in case.... This isn't all specifically related to Michaela, but just to the realization I can't shake of the uncertainty in which we exist. You can wake up in the morning and when you go to bed that night your entire world can have shifted. Even more, you can wake up one morning and discover that you aren't even remotely the person you were the day before. I've had that happen in this last year also, and that is really disconcerting! And as strong as we believe our country is, and as advanced as we may believe the human race has become, economies can collapse and wars can be fought.

It's a little scary.

But on the other hand, I have also taken to counting the "perfect moments" in life. And most of the moments actually fit into that description. You look around you and everybody is well. No fires are waiting to be put out, or at least not any fires that are bigger than your water supply. 

Two of my mother's favorite sayings were, "Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you," and "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  The last one is from the Bible, of course. And what is basically means is that you shouldn't worry. Now my mother grew up in London during World War II, so she knew what it was to live with uncertainty and the possibility that a bomb could fall on you any minute. As a child she'd been given the opportunity to go to the countryside, as so many children did, but had chosen to stay with her family. And once you decide on your course, there is no point in worrying. You just keep putting one foot in front of another.  Another verse from the Bible points out that none of us can by worrying at a minute to our lives ... or a dollar to our bank accounts.  Take it from me, I know how difficult it is to not worry.  In the middle of the night seems to be the prime time for it, also. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic attack over one thing or another. But I have had to learn to tell myself that losing sleep over whatever the issue of the moment may be is not going to do anything to make it better. I will often turn on the television to give my mind something to occupy itself besides the swirling thoughts, but I will stop those thoughts.  

Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this post is, besides just keeping in touch with all of you. I guess I might also add that yesterday at work I sent a message to one of my clients telling her that I needed to talk to her and asking her to call me immediately. She did call, sobbing over the phone, telling me that she knew I was an angel from God because she was just about to take some pills and kill herself, and then she got my message. And I know she's not the only one in the world who feels that kind of desperation. But life changes constantly. Why is it that it is so easy for us to worry about what may befall us tomorrow, and so much more difficult for us to really embrace the notion that tomorrow will be different, and if things are really bad now, most likely they will be better tomorrow.  Just hang on!

I promise I will try to get back here more often. Lately I've been reading about Anne Rice's struggles with faith, and there are a lot of things she has said that I would really like to talk about.  So I'll try to be back soon.  In the meantime ... thanks and God bless every one of you.

6 comments:

  1. I heard something that pertains to what you are saying. "The past is dead, and the future is unborn all we have is the present." That doesn't mean don't plan for tomorrow, or for the future, what it does mean is don't feel anxiety because of the future. Every tomorrow with their joy and sadness is a gift.

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  2. I really like your new blog layout, Sharon.

    I have had problems with anxiety, and even though I try not to worry, sometimes it's like I can't help it.

    "But life changes constantly. Why is it that it is so easy for us to worry about what may befall us tomorrow, and so much more difficult for us to really embrace the notion that tomorrow will be different, and if things are really bad now, most likely they will be better tomorrow. Just hang on!"

    I like that! It's true and is definitely something I should try to keep in mind. It kind of reminds me of the song "O Fortuna," which is about how things can go from really good to really bad and vice versa at the drop of a hat.

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  3. Thanks, Jennifer! I really like this new layout.

    For me, I really need to work on pushing the bad possibilities out of my mind. I mean, you have to think about them to the point where you can TRY to prevent them as far as it is possible, or to prepare. But beyond that ... well, worry just saps the joy out of life. (I am saying all this with a small knot of anxiety in my own stomach, haha.)

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  4. I read this on facebook this morning, from the Dalai Lama, and I thought it fit in with this discussion:

    "One of the most effective ways to overcome anxiety is to try to shift the focus of attention away from self and toward others. When we succeed in this, we find that the scale of our own problems diminishes. This is not to say we should ignore our own needs altogether, but rather that we should try to remember others' needs alongside our own, no matter how pressing ours may be."

    This is true.

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  5. We've always said that if my mother-in-law didn't have something to worry about, she'd find something. Unfortunately, I've grown a lot like her in that way. I love you Mom's first saying!

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  6. So on my way to work this morning, as I was fighting my own mini battle with anxiety, I recalled another reason why I believe we should take care not to be anxious. I do believe that we are granted intuitions designed to keep us safe and on the right road. But if you are used to living in a state of anxiety, you can so easily miss them because they feel just like all that other stuff that is always going on in your head. How can you know that you really shouldn't let your daughter to go the neighborhood market on a Saturday morning when you worry so much every time she leaves the house?

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