I find I am left with a lingering sense of anxiety. I haven't strayed too far from home since all this happened last year. I have these nameless worries, this kind of feeling that I need to stay close to home in case.... This isn't all specifically related to Michaela, but just to the realization I can't shake of the uncertainty in which we exist. You can wake up in the morning and when you go to bed that night your entire world can have shifted. Even more, you can wake up one morning and discover that you aren't even remotely the person you were the day before. I've had that happen in this last year also, and that is really disconcerting! And as strong as we believe our country is, and as advanced as we may believe the human race has become, economies can collapse and wars can be fought.
It's a little scary.
But on the other hand, I have also taken to counting the "perfect moments" in life. And most of the moments actually fit into that description. You look around you and everybody is well. No fires are waiting to be put out, or at least not any fires that are bigger than your water supply.
Two of my mother's favorite sayings were, "Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you," and "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." The last one is from the Bible, of course. And what is basically means is that you shouldn't worry. Now my mother grew up in London during World War II, so she knew what it was to live with uncertainty and the possibility that a bomb could fall on you any minute. As a child she'd been given the opportunity to go to the countryside, as so many children did, but had chosen to stay with her family. And once you decide on your course, there is no point in worrying. You just keep putting one foot in front of another. Another verse from the Bible points out that none of us can by worrying at a minute to our lives ... or a dollar to our bank accounts. Take it from me, I know how difficult it is to not worry. In the middle of the night seems to be the prime time for it, also. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic attack over one thing or another. But I have had to learn to tell myself that losing sleep over whatever the issue of the moment may be is not going to do anything to make it better. I will often turn on the television to give my mind something to occupy itself besides the swirling thoughts, but I will stop those thoughts.
Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this post is, besides just keeping in touch with all of you. I guess I might also add that yesterday at work I sent a message to one of my clients telling her that I needed to talk to her and asking her to call me immediately. She did call, sobbing over the phone, telling me that she knew I was an angel from God because she was just about to take some pills and kill herself, and then she got my message. And I know she's not the only one in the world who feels that kind of desperation. But life changes constantly. Why is it that it is so easy for us to worry about what may befall us tomorrow, and so much more difficult for us to really embrace the notion that tomorrow will be different, and if things are really bad now, most likely they will be better tomorrow. Just hang on!
I promise I will try to get back here more often. Lately I've been reading about Anne Rice's struggles with faith, and there are a lot of things she has said that I would really like to talk about. So I'll try to be back soon. In the meantime ... thanks and God bless every one of you.