It has been a long time since I have written in this blog, and an even longer time since I have written to you. I hope you know that doesn't mean that I have stopped thinking about you, because it doesn't. I think about you every day. And okay, you and the rest of the world may think I'm wacky, but someone suggested that I try to talk to you through dreams. She said that whether you are alive or not, that it might be possible. So here I am, going to sleep at night and inviting you to come and talk to me in my dreams. The biggest problem is that I don't usually remember my dreams, so I don't know if it's working, LOL. But if you find yourself dreaming of me lately, this might be why.
Last night I had a dream -- I remember only a little bit of it -- but I was talking to your youngest sister, who was born five years after you were kidnapped. We were standing in the kitchen, and I noticed it was getting kind of gloomy outside. I continued what I was doing, but then I turned back and saw that it was completely dark outside, in the middle of the day, and I realized that we were in the midst of a total solar eclipse. I called your sister over to look at it, and I was a little afraid because it was so dark -- darker than night usually is, because people didn't have their lights on, and the streetlights weren't on. We were here, in our house (which was Nana's house), so you know we have a really good view of the Bay Area, which is usually lit up at night. But I reminded myself that it was a natural thing, and would soon pass, and it would be light again.
Of course, this has meaning in so many ways, but when I am seeking you in my dreams, what might it mean? That the darkness will pass, and the light will come? One day we will know. One day we will see clearly. One day we will have all the answers, and understand. We just have to wait it out and try not to be afraid.
So I have some family news to pass along. Your little baby brother, Robbie, is getting married! He got engaged last month, and they are planning a wedding for next August. And you can consider this to be your official invitation to that wedding. You remember Robbie, don't you? He was only seven months old when you were kidnapped. You used to like to hold him, and you drew a picture of him wearing his striped pajamas. You were nine years old at the time, and you wrote on this picture that it was for Robbie to open when he was nine years old. The really weird thing is that I was going through some papers, and this picture actually fell out of Robbie's baby book ... when he was nine years old! So he got it, right when you meant for him to get it.
I have to wonder, what does it mean when things like that happen? If you are not in this world, are you somewhere watching over us, directing small things like that -- making that paper fall out of the book as a sign, so that we can know that you are here? So that we can remember that you love us?
It has been over a year since Jaycee was found now, and since my hopes rose that you might still be alive and might come home. I do still believe that you might be, but even if it is not true, even if you are not alive in this world, I do believe that you are alive somewhere.
Tomorrow is the first day of November. Did you know that the full moon in November is called "the mourning moon"? Every year, you know, we go to the place where you were kidnapped, and we tie ribbons on this scruffy bush/tree thing that grows exactly next to the parking spot where the kidnapper parked his car. Usually they are yellow, for that song, "tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree if you still want me." But sometimes they are other colors. Sometimes other people tie ribbons on their trees at home and send me photos. I have yellow ribbons tied to our front porch railing. They have been there for almost a year now and it is amazing, because they really still look brand new, like I just tied them yesterday! To me, that is a picture of my love for you.
It has been almost 22 years since I have seen you, and yet, Michaela, my love for you is not diminished, and you do not ever fade into memory. The face I see in my mind is often the face that is in photographs, but I can still remember the soft warmth of your touch. I can still remember what it felt like the night before you were kidnapped, when a bad dream sent you into my bed, and I reached out to identify who was crowding me and ran my fingers through your hair. I remember when you were born, your first breath. I remember holding you up to the window early the next day and saying, "Look, baby, your first morning." I remember, I remember. I will never forget.
You are in me and through me and always will be. I grieve for your loss, and for my loss, and I grieve most of all for the suffering you have had to endure. But I love you now, today, always and forever, and my love will never, ever diminish.
November 19th, Michaela, at 10:15 a.m., which is the approximate time you were kidnapped, in the parking lot at the market. I invite you to that as well. I hope to see you there.
I love you forever,