Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dear Michaela,

It has been a long time since I have written in this blog, and an even longer time since I have written to you. I hope you know that doesn't mean that I have stopped thinking about you, because it doesn't. I think about you every day.  And okay, you and the rest of the world may think I'm wacky, but someone suggested that I try to talk to you through dreams. She said that whether you are alive or not, that it might be possible.  So here I am, going to sleep at night and inviting you to come and talk to me in my dreams. The biggest problem is that I don't usually remember my dreams, so I don't know if it's working, LOL. But if you find yourself dreaming of me lately, this might be why.

Last night I had a dream -- I remember only a little bit of it -- but I was talking to your youngest sister, who was born five years after you were kidnapped. We were standing in the kitchen, and I noticed it was getting kind of gloomy outside. I continued what I was doing, but then I turned back and saw that it was completely dark outside, in the middle of the day, and I realized that we were in the midst of a total solar eclipse. I called your sister over to look at it, and I was a little afraid because it was so dark -- darker than night usually is, because people didn't have their lights on, and the streetlights weren't on. We were here, in our house (which was Nana's house), so you know we have a really good view of the Bay Area, which is usually lit up at night. But I reminded myself that it was a natural thing, and would soon pass, and it would be light again.

Of course, this has meaning in so many ways, but when I am seeking you in my dreams, what might it mean? That the darkness will pass, and the light will come? One day we will know. One day we will see clearly. One day we will have all the answers, and understand. We just have to wait it out and try not to be afraid.

So I have some family news to pass along. Your little baby brother, Robbie, is getting married! He got engaged last month, and they are planning a wedding for next August. And you can consider this to be your official invitation to that wedding. You remember Robbie, don't you? He was only seven months old when you were kidnapped. You used to like to hold him, and you drew a picture of him wearing his striped pajamas. You were nine years old at the time, and you wrote on this picture that it was for Robbie to open when he was nine years old. The really weird thing is that I was going through some papers, and this picture actually fell out of Robbie's baby book ... when he was nine years old! So he got it, right when you meant for him to get it.

I have to wonder, what does it mean when things like that happen? If you are not in this world, are you somewhere watching over us, directing small things like that -- making that paper fall out of the book as a sign, so that we can know that you are here? So that we can remember that you love us?

It has been over a year since Jaycee was found now, and since my hopes rose that you might still be alive and might come home. I do still believe that you might be, but even if it is not true, even if you are not alive in this world, I do believe that you are alive somewhere.

Tomorrow is the first day of November. Did you know that the full moon in November is called "the mourning moon"? Every year, you know, we go to the place where you were kidnapped, and we tie ribbons on this scruffy bush/tree thing that grows exactly next to the parking spot where the kidnapper parked his car. Usually they are yellow, for that song, "tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree if you still want me." But sometimes they are other colors. Sometimes other people tie ribbons on their trees at home and send me photos. I have yellow ribbons tied to our front porch railing. They have been there for almost a year now and it is amazing, because they really still look brand new, like I just tied them yesterday! To me, that is a picture of my love for you.

It has been almost 22 years since I have seen you, and yet, Michaela, my love for you is not diminished, and you do not ever fade into memory. The face I see in my mind is often the face that is in photographs, but I can still remember the soft warmth of your touch. I can still remember what it felt like the night before you were kidnapped, when a bad dream sent you into my bed, and I reached out to identify who was crowding me and ran my fingers through your hair. I remember when you were born, your first breath. I remember holding you up to the window early the next day and saying, "Look, baby, your first morning." I remember, I remember. I will never forget.

You are in me and through me and always will be. I grieve for your loss, and for my loss, and I grieve most of all for the suffering you have had to endure. But I love you now, today, always and forever, and my love will never, ever diminish.

November 19th, Michaela, at 10:15 a.m., which is the approximate time you were kidnapped, in the parking lot at the market. I invite you to that as well. I hope to see you there.

I love you forever,
mom

15 comments:

  1. I believe in the power of dreams wholeheartedly. When my father died, I used to ask God to dream of him and we would meet in my dreams. It felt so real and I woke up knowing that he was ok. You can look at different symbols in dreams and analyse that way, but I believe the true meaning comes from examining that initial thought you have when you wake up. I think you can slowly begin to remember your dreams, and usually the ones you remember the best are the ones that hold the most meaning. I only know you through this, but you strike me as the type of person fully capable of having prophetic dreams

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  2. Have you thought about keeping a dream journal? For most of my adult life I also had trouble remembering my dreams. Then a few years ago I started keeping a dream journal, it started with just a simple spiral notebook and over the years its became a little more fancy. However I keep it next to my night stand with a pen inside of it. When I wake up in the morning if I remember anything at all I write it down, sometimes I remember symbols or numbers and I draw a picture of it or write the numbers down. Over the years as I started doing this I actually started remembering more and more of my dreams. I can actually remember having dreams where others have spoke to me in the dream.

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  3. I haven't thought about keeping a dream journal, because I don't remember my dreams well enough to. It hasn't always been this way. I used to remember dreams quite well. But I know sometimes I wake up from a dream and I do remember something, and then it just slips away. So I'll see if I can capture some of it.

    Thanks.

    And Kim ... hmmm. Maybe that's why I don't want to remember my dreams. I had one awhile back about being in a car accident. The place and circumstances were quite clear, so I started avoiding any place that looked like that. Even when I woke up, I kind of felt that the dream was symbolic of the fact that I, my life, was going to crash if I didn't get control of some things.

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  4. Sharon,
    I'm sitting here reading your letters to your daughter and I cant stop crying. Your strength and faith are amazing. I remember as a little girl when your daughter was taken, my mom and my aunt had me and my cousin go with them to an envelope stuffing in Hayward to bring light to the kidnappings. I will be 27 this coming week and I cant believe it has been almost 22 years since this has happened. Though I didnt know your daughter I think of her often. I cant begin to imagine what you have gone through and what you are going through but know that you are not alone and you and your family are always thought of.

    Never give up hope!

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  5. Thank you, Lisa ... and thank your mom and your aunt. The love the community poured out for Michaela when she was kidnapped was so beautiful. I have never stopped hoping that Michaela was able to see it.

    God bless,
    Sharon

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  6. Dear Sharon

    Beautiful letter to Michaela, I really intensely hope than she can attend her brothers wedding.

    Its been more than a year since Trina saw the car and she said it matches to the car Michaelas kidnapper had, also the look of his face reminded her of the look of Michaelas kidnapper.

    Is it still impossible to fully interrogate Philip Garrido? I remember the law protected him some way.

    All of the things that Garrido was collecting in the house, nothing of this could be linced to Michaela?


    Always praying

    Best regards

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  7. Asa, as far as I know, Garrido is still being protected by the judge in El Dorado County from interrogation by any other police jurisdictions. The judge is also still allowing Philip and Nancy Garrido to have contact while in jail, which really irritates me because if there is a person who would know, and who might tell, if Garrido took another child in 1988, it's Nancy. But she won't do that, I don't think, as long as she remains under Garrido's spell.

    It's crazy. Sometimes you wonder whose side people are on, you know?

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  8. Sharon — I am sorry to hear that the judge is being so uncooperative. In the UK I believe that when a crime like this is uncovered, the police immediately investigate similar cases to determine whether there is a link. It seems to be a very slow process over there. And it seems particularly absurd when we are talking about the kidnapping of children where, God forbid, there could be other locations where others are being held against their will. As ever, your patience and resilience is humbling. I will continue to pray for your daughter every day.
    Much love from the UK
    Alison

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  9. Alison, it is usually that way here as well. This is extremely irregular ... extremely.

    Sharon

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  10. That is just not fair! Can't we all do something about that! Who can I complaint to? I live in Sweden, but I dont have any problems with sending emails to people. I'll "sign" whatever needs to be signed. This is not justice!!! And HOW do they defend their selfs? (the decisionmakers)??

    All police jurisdictions should be able to break him down with interrogation. And they should defenetely keep those two apart until all the interrogations is over.... (sorry bad english)

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  11. Wow, this entry about dreams has hit me at an "interesting" time. Last week I received a call about fundraising for an SPCA, and I agreed. Not long after I had a CLEAR, CLEAR dream that I was driving to the SPCA and came to a stoplight. Without warning, I was shot. The dream was so real, so vivid, that I woke up and checked myself to see if I HAD been shot. I will be going to the SPCA soon, but I am taking a different route from the one in my dream.

    And on another note, I just wish Michaela would come home. I never heard of her until Jayce was found, but I have thought of her for a year now and I just wish you had answers.

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  12. Wow, Anastasia, let us know that you are okay!

    I was thinking today about the dream log suggestion, because I had a dream last night, and I even stopped and thought about it this morning when I woke up, but within a few hours it had faded so I could remember only sketchy details.

    And now I wish I did remember it better, because it was about a friend I haven't seen in many years. I occasionally have a dream about him, and he tells me that he "visits" me in my dreams. I was going to write him a message today, to thank him for his visit last night, when I found out that he had died yesterday.

    So now I am really wishing that I could remember the details of that dream last night, since it could have been him saying goodbye.

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  13. Wow, there is something to dreams. Thank you for posting my comment -- I was afraid you would think I was crazy. Like I said, after I was shot in the dream, I woke up and was in such a state, I checked myself. The weird thing is, the dream (or nightmare) hasn't faded at all. I still remember driving, coming to a stoplight, hearing the "boom" and then a burst of blood (not to be graphic). So yes, I will certainly go a different route.

    I am sorry about the loss of your friend.

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  14. I definitely think there is something to dreams. I don't think it has to be prophetic, although it can be. It can also be symbolic. If you were going to the SPCA in your dream, is it possible that going there makes you feel wounded somehow?

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  15. I don't know. This is a "No Kill," well-known SPCA. Animals without homes is a sad topic, but this one doesn't put animals down.

    I have never had such a vivid dream before. I STILL remember everything, and it has haunted me during the day, so I guess I am taking it pretty seriously. The only other dream that can compare is one I had over and over again as a child. It was about me being kidnapped, believe it or not. In each dream I would be playing in my backyard when an old "grandfather-type" stranger would come after me. I would run to my door and almost reach safety -- but my feet would always freeze just before I reach the door handle.

    But this dream (or nightmare) never became a reality (thankfully). But it did make me into a person who follows abductions, which is why I visit this blog a lot. I have prayed for Michaela to come home -- or for you to know something about her fate. I am so frustrated that her whereabouts are still unknown.

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