Sunday, April 8, 2012

My streets of sorrow


It's Easter morning, and I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up until 4:00 and woke up at 7:10 and couldn't get back to sleep. My eyes are gritty and it will be a real feat if I can get through this day without sheer weariness breaking me down. Oh what am I saying? I am breaking down already.

Back in the days of my deepest darkness, one of the things I did to cope was run. Even later, during my pregnancy and with my baby after she was born, I'd walk for miles around the Fairway Park neighborhood. Usually when I ran it was very early in the morning, when it was still dark. I remember the stars, and I remember the houses, the homes, as I passed them. Most of them were full of sleep, like a sigh that surrounded them. Some were just waking up. There were lights in a window, or the smell of fabric softener from a dryer running in the garage. Some runs were in the winter rain and cold, and some were during the holidays, with brightly colored lights still lit here and there. My later walks were through the neighborhood, but in the daylight, and along the walking path on Mission Boulevard.

All along those streets, as I ran, as I walked, I shed heartache like droplets of sweat. Or tears, because I wept countless tears along those streets. It has been many years since I moved to Castro Valley in 1999. Occasionally I have driven through the neighborhood, on the way to somewhere else, and I cannot drive through it without emotions surrounding me and clutching me. It is as though my sorrow is a ghost that haunts those streets.

Today, on Easter, I am feeling a desire to go back there where I felt so much pain, to visit those ghosts, to see if there is anything they can tell me. Maybe I feel a desire to go there because there is some magnet in those streets that pulls the grief from me, and I need to shed some. Or perhaps I just want to go there to relive the horrendous depths of my darkness and despair just to show myself how far I have come, that the night never lasts and the sun does shine again.

I probably won't go. Perhaps it is enough just to know it, to consider it, to remember that day and look at this day. A nap would probably be a better idea, and perhaps a movie. There are times when a little wallowing in grief is what the spirit needs to grow, to move to the next level. But at other times, we just need to get up and get on with life.

And this is how we survive.

24 comments:

  1. Sharon please don't be sad on Easter michaela will be home soon ;) just never give up hope <3

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  2. Good morning Sharon,
    My heart goes out to you so much. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering you feel daily. I pray for a great day for you and that you will rest your body and feel Michaela's presence very near and special to you.
    I'm still believing for a miracle for you and Michaela! I will never loose hope of Michaela being found. God please hear our prayers and bring Michaela home to her Mom and family!
    Love and Prayers always
    from Thelma Mandera
    Happy Easter

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  3. Michaela is always with you, Sharon. Your love always holds her close to you. Wherever she is she knows you love her, and always has her close. Please dear God bring Michaela home.

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  4. Happy Easter, Michaela! I hope you know that everyone is looking for you, and hope that you are still alive somehow, somewhere. If not, you will always live forever in my heart and the hearts of others. My deepest condolences and sympathy goes out to you, Mrs. Murch. I can only hope and pray that Michaela will be found, wherever she is. Again, we can only hope for a miracle. I heard about Michaela's kidnapping on a link from a website covering Jaycee Lee Dugard's story. It really touched my heart. I am always afraid of being kidnapped, and Michaela's story scared me. I hope she will be found soon! - No Name Please, an eleven year old girl and Michaela supporter.

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  5. I'm not going to lie, I have the same fear of being abducted too. I'm only 14 and I walk home from school alone, it's not a long walk, just down a short little hill.. but i always call a friend on my cell phone so it won't happen to me. I know that they didn't have cell phones back then but he tricked Michaela so it's not like she would've known if she picked up the scooter the man would pick her up and drive away with her. I've read a lot of stories on child abduction and it worries me that it could happen to anyone that I may know. It's awful how people think, how could you abuse, or rape a young, innocent child? I guess I shouldn't read things that will almost haunt me, which somethings i've read do.. I said this earlier but i'm saying it again, happy easter michaela. please come home safe and sound. we love you. ;')
    - once again, becca♥

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  6. Happy Easter Michaela. I see your face every morning when I walk into my cubicle. I love the photo of you wearing the Pat Benatar shirt. It shows you with a perfect look on your face....

    I don't think you could ever understand the amount of time and effort your mom has given in finding you, i don't think anyone can. Everyone should have someone that loves them that much. If you are out there reading these blogs, I hope that rings loud and clear to you. There isn't anything that cant be repaired and made better, no matter what you have went through. If you are reading this know that you are wanted, and loved by people all over the world.

    Happy Easter Sharon. I wish I could give you answers that would repair your broken heart.

    ~ Rod

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  7. Sharon ... I lived in your neighborhood when Michaela was taken and I can tell you that so many of the homes you walked by in the early morning light were mourning and praying for Michaela to be found. I was in 4th grade with Michaela and later became a 4th grade teacher. Every yr I tell my students about her and that yes... it can happen to anyone, anywhere. I think about your sweet daughter everyday and wish you a happy easter!

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  8. Melanie, thank you. That is very sweet. I had never really thought of that, even though I was pretty certain everybody in that neighborhood knew of Michaela.

    And Becca and No Name, it's good to be aware, and to follow the basic child safety rules. Be aware of your surroundings. Talking on a cell phone while walking alone is a good thing, as long as you don't let it distract you from what is going on around you. My own kids are all adults now, and I still encourage them to do things like that. And try not to let fear rob you of the enjoyment of life. Just be sensible about things.

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  9. Hi, Sharon. My dad is Thomas, the person whos been following your blog and was the first comment on this post. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be you or michaela right now, because of my past. My dad has done so much for me, and I bet you did the same for your daughter. Like, my dad was 15 going on 16 when I was born, I have an autistic younger brother who's now 4 and as he probably told you, I was abducted last year on my way home from school in may. I also was very mad at my dad at the time because he wouldn't let me go to a popular guys house ands then he didn't let that get in the way of finding me, he made tv appearances, flyers, etc to find me while I was being forced to have lewd pictures of me being taken by my kidnappers. Sharon, you fully deserve getting Michaela back and shes in my prayers every night. -nick

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  10. As a new father my biggest fear is losing my boy to something like this. I cannot imagine your grief and your torture, but please know that we sympathize with you and wish you and Michaela nothing but the best. I wish there was something we all could do to help you find your daughter. There is always hope, and I hope that one day Michaela is returned to you safe and sound.

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    1. Hi Mrs. Murch:

      I lived in Hayward, CA, in 1988 and lived just a few miles from where your beloved daughter was taken. My son was 11 months old at the time and over the years, I have thought about her often and prayed for her return. Today was one of those days and I happened upon your blog. Her story touched a lot of lives and there are many people like me that remember her and pray for her. I can't imagine the pain that this has caused to your entire family and I pray for all of you also. Take Care....

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  11. Hey Sharon where are you haven't read any new blogs lately. Hope your alright

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  12. I know, I haven't written in awhile. I have been a bit depressed, to be honest.

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    1. hope the thought that folks here are thinking of you and Michaela brings some measure of comfort. Take care,
      SR Mom

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  13. Understandable. How could you not be? Anyone in your position would feel that way we all want the "happy" ending you and Michaela deserve.

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  14. Understandable. How could you not be?

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  15. I know it seems even to me that after having my daughter kidnapped everything else in life would be a piece of cake. But, it's not. There are other things that come along and get me down also. I do appreciate your support, though, always.

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  16. The rest of life goes on indeed. But you & Michaela's readers/supporters are always thinking of you. You have no idea! Still hoping and wishing for the day she will come home alive. Stay strong. We always think of Michaela, you, and your family. Always hoping for the best--always!

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  17. I think of her everyday and u don't even know her. Just want answers like you do

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  18. Sharon, do you have a twitter account? Twitter is a really great way to communicate with people in other countries. You could reach more international people that way I think. Just a thought! God bless you and Michaela and your family.

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  19. Why not trying twitter ? We could start using twitter to connect each others (all your blog Readers) then we could choose a Day and start a campaign to spread your words and reach our contacts all over the world.
    Regards

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  20. Well, I use Facebook, but even then I usually use Michaela's Facebook to post that I've put up a new blog. Honestly, most of the time I can't even remember the password to sign onto Twitter. But if it's like Facebook, couldn't other people post a link to this blog on Twitter? I don't think I have to be on there to do it, do I?

    Just not a fan of Twitter. I don't like the limits on my speech, lol. I'm not a person of few words. And I don't like the abbreviations.

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  21. Good morning Sharon
    Of course you don't need to have a twitter account :-)
    We could do that (your blog readers) together and inform you by blog post or by Facebook or by email .
    My account is @zlchix and I'm from France if someone wants to connect and launches a twitter campaign.
    Thank you Sharon
    Regards

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