Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day everybody ... including you, too, Michaela, if you are out there somewhere and have children of your own. I am looking forward to today. My youngest daughter, Johnna, who is now 18 and a senior in high school, has her closing performance as Jean in To Kill A Mockingbird today, the afternoon matinee, so I'm going to go see that. It's my third time seeing it in this run. I try to get to every performance, because every one is different, and just because I love seeing her perform onstage. My son Robbie went with me last night to see the show because he is working today, but Libby will be going with me today. Afterwards, plans aren't certain. So far I'm leaning towards pizza at home, because I really love pizza and I actually very rarely have it. But we'll see.
Yesterday I posted that quote on my facebook timeline, about how becoming a mother is an act of courage, because it's agreeing to have your heart walking around outside your body. Oh, it is so that! And perhaps that it a good picture of what it's like to have a missing child -- that there is a part of your heart that you can't find, a part of your heart that is continually in mourning for the rest of itself. How can your heart live when a part of it is missing?
And yet it has. I have. Yes, I am here, yes I am alive, and yes I confirm life and love and all it entails, from the very sweetest, to the most bitter and sorrowful. And even though being a mother has caused me the most tremendous sorrow and heartache, even though it has been like a huge vise in my chest squeezing my heart, it has also been the sun that lights my days. I had to take fertility pills in order to get pregnant with Michaela, and I often wonder if God wasn't saying, "Wait ... are you sure you want to do this? Cause it's gonna hurt like hell." But I couldn't have not done it.
Being a mom has been the greatest joy, the most fun I have ever had. Even today, as young adults, my kids are an absolute delight to me. They are my Mother's Day gift.
And you, too, Michaela. What happened to you has broken my heart, but the love I learned from you has kept it going. Wherever you are, I love you still, every day, and always will.
Happy Mother's Day.