Saturday, June 9, 2012

Today, I am happy

 
Okay, in response to your requests, I am posting something. And first, let me say how very much I appreciate all of you who have asked, and how much I appreciate those of you who keep coming here to check when I have been absent. (Although if you check around you can usually find some new comments here and there by my wonderful readers, and some from me as well.)

I actually wrote a blog last week and never posted it. I am sure this is completely stupid, but the reason I haven't posted in so long is because ... well, it's been a season of happiness in life, and I am finding that to be ridiculously difficult to write about. There are a whole lot of reasons for this, but I am not going to get into them. It is what it is.

The photograph above is of my youngest daughter, Johnna. Those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time will know that she was born during the memorial service for Polly Klaas, which was five years after Michaela was kidnapped. We'd had the memorial service on in the labor and delivery suite, and at the end of the service the station we were watching broadcast photographs of other children who were still missing in the Bay Area. Literally just as Johnna was being born, I looked up into the corner of the room, and there was Michaela smiling down at me. There is not anybody who is going to tell me that there was no significance to this astounding synchronicity.

The fact is that this little girl challenged my heart from the beginning. She forced my heart to open itself up fully for the first time since I'd lost Michaela, and while it was wonderful and beautiful, it also just hurt like hell. Nor was it only me that felt that pain. Johnna felt it also, and it affected her deeply during her early years. I can't begin to explain it, what psychological or spiritual factors may have been at work, but it was there, and it was a lot to work through, for both of us, but primarily for her because she was so young and didn't understand.

Yet somehow that little girl has grown into a beautiful young woman, inside and out -- all the more so, I think, because of the challenges in childhood. She wandered through some dark places of the heart while growing up, but she has a depth of character I doubt she would have had if it weren't for that, and even more, she has learned to create light. She is graduating from high school this week and will be delivering the commencement address. I am going to try to record it and if I am successful I will post it here, but at the least I will post the text. Part of her message is that going through difficulties makes you stronger.

You might recall also that a couple of months ago she was enduring her first broken heart. It had been her first love, and the relationship had lasted almost two and a half years, so it wasn't just your little teenage crush and disappointment. Keep in mind also where she was coming from, that feeling of loss and grief that had haunted her even before she was born. She was devastated. But she was incredible. She picked herself up and she got on with life, and with a really, really, good life, with friends, and laughter, and lots of fun. I was so proud of her, and so happy (and relieved) to see this strength in her. It's been a couple of months, and there is a new boy now, not the first boy to come along either, but someone she really likes, and she is genuinely happy.

And it all just makes me happy, the excitement, the honors, the love, the smile on my daughter's face.

In the weeks after Michaela was kidnapped, there were a group of people who would come to my house every day and carry on the recovery efforts from my dining room table. They were some wonderful people. Let me just tell you that the best gift you can bring to someone who is grieving is laughter. I saw this with my daughter and her friends as she was getting over her heartbreak, and the same was true for me after I lost Michaela. Those people would come to my house and they would make me laugh. I did honestly feel guilty about it -- Michaela had not died, she hadn't "gone to a better place." She was missing, and could be alive, and if she was she was far from laughter. How could I laugh if my daughter was suffering?

But honestly, I couldn't have survived and been any good to anybody if I hadn't been able to do that. And I do have other children, and I cannot love them any less, and I cannot take any less total enjoyment in each and every one of them because of the one I lost. I feel their heartaches and I feel their joys, I cry with them, and I absolutely rejoice for them. If I didn't, it wouldn't be fair to my other children, and it wouldn't make me the kind of mother that Michaela would want to come home to.

So that's where I've been, while I haven't been writing. I am okay. The investigators are still at work, but there is no news to share, and as you know that's generally the case. I assure you that if ever Michaela is found, I will be sure to fill you in.

And Michaela, if you are out there and you are reading this, just know that there is a place for you to come home to, and it is a good place, where you can be happy.

And I love you forever,
mom

p.s. Perhaps this will be for another blog, another day ... but I know many people who read my blog suffer from their own griefs. There are many different types of grief, and some griefs never really go away. But you can still be happy. You can bring your own light to the darkness that surrounds you. If you take away anything from this blog, let it be this.

21 comments:

  1. Sharon you still amaze me with your strength and insite. I truely admire you. I am glad that you have been able to accomplish sooo much. I still think of Machaela and pray for your family. God bless you.
    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon from sad tears to chills to happy tears. This is the most Beautiful letter that I've read. Yes it is sad too but when I think of Michaela and I think about her a lot I think of her Beauty. Congrats to Johnna. she is a Beautiful Girl inside and out and I would love to hear her speech. You r such an Inspiration to me. Your love light and laughter is also always in my Heart. Love you, Chris (Tricia's Momma)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks again for sharing Sharon. You are such an encouragement to me and so many people. You've been through so much yet you reach out in love and help me, and so many, many people with your words. I love to read what you write.
      You, Michaela and your family are always in my prayers. I will always have hope of Michaela coming home to you.
      Love always
      from Thelma Mandera and family

      Delete
  3. Sharon, I love you. You are a magnificent light in a world that still has such darkness. Hugs, aann.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you both. And Chris, you are the inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You're the most inspirational person in the world. (=


    PS: Could you tell Johnna that I absolute LOVE her hair in the picture you posted? Her dress looks really pretty, too! Love the color :) lol I hope that doesn't sound weird xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will tell her, although the credit for her hair goes to our stylist, Savannah, who we love! One day one of us is going to have to learn how to use a curling iron....

      Delete
  6. She looks like she's on the red carpet! I love everything you write, thanks for sharing, i'm always at a loss for words, you are amazing. Good job with your kido and congrats to her! Love the purple dress. Xo Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. This picture was taken before her Senior Ball last weekend ... although I do believe that one day she will be on the red carpet!

      Delete
  7. I'm glad to see that ur happy, despite everything that you've been through. you truly r an inspiration :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. ^^ I agree, YOU ARE one of the most inspirational person in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sharon you light and your spirit helped me through a really hard time recently and it will be appreciated forever. You truly are an inspiration. If ever you need anything I'm always here for you.Michaela will never be forgotten. I hope you get your answers one day. with love, Cris

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Cris. I know your sorrow will never leave either, but I hope life brings you and your family smiles and laughter. <3

      Delete
  10. Thanks for sharing,Sharon, yes!she's a beautiful young lady-inside out from what I hear and she truly deserves your happiness and pride!
    SR Mom

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sharon, you have my complete admiration and respect for having the courage to open your heart again for Johnna's sake after such unbearable pain. My mother never opened her heart to me - I don't know what happened to her before I came along but now I'm an adult we are no longer in each others' lives.
    I know you would give anything to see your beloved Michaela again, whereas my mother could see me but finds it easier not to. Your writing here has helped me understand her a little more. Your children are so lucky to have known such love.
    Lea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lea, I am so sad to hear that. I honestly don't know how a mother could do that. I hope you will one day know that perfect love, perhaps with your own children.

      Delete
    2. chandanee -srilankaJune 12, 2012 at 12:29 AM

      sharon
      i admire you .You are a wonderful lady and you set examples to the world .I wish you to continue your happy life till you find michaela and there after .
      chandanee sri lanka

      Delete
  12. I hope Michaela and all the other children that are missing are found soon <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your daughter is gorgeous! She looks so confident. And also she resembles you. Thank you for sharing! -s

    ReplyDelete