Wednesday, October 24, 2012

This morning ...

I cannot capture it in a photo because it is too ephemeral, and also because I am using only an iPhone as a camera, but this morning the sun is shining and the sky is filled with fluffy clouds. San Francisco is a pale gray silhouette in this palette, shrouded in the shadow cast by the clouds, but beyond the city the sun is shining on the brightly colored north tower of the Golden Gate Bridge. This is where we scattered my mother's ashes, just beyond the Golden Gate. I can't help but feel that she is telling me that she is with me.

I need her presence now. Everyone says how strong I am, but I am carrying the weight I carry because I have no choice. That does not mean that it is not extremely wearying. I am waiting, hoping, dreading, everything all at once.

20 comments:

  1. I love your writing. It so so descriptive. I am hundreds or miles away but I can see what you are saying. Sounds beautiful.
    -Kara

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  2. My heart and thoughts are with you today. There is not a day that goes by that I do not check this page in hopes of good news. I am not sure about this latest lead. I just feel deep within my soul that Michaela is alive. The poem she wrote before she went missing is just too much of a coincidence. I remember that radio station you were listening too that on both days you turned on the radio just as it was saying your baby is alive. I cannot see how you would get that kind of insight if Michaela had passed away years ago. My prayers are for you to hold your daughter once again. For you to finally get the answers that you have waited so many years to have. I am sorry that you have such a heavy weight to bare. I cannot imagine how hard that is to carry every second of every day. You are an amazing woman and I hope you know that you and Michaela have brought hope and light in to so many other peoples lives. You have helped us to open our eyes to see what we have in our lives and to remain thankful always. You have taught me that if you can carry such hardship then I can surely carry the little problems that I encounter in my life.
    Edelweiss

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    1. I will always believe Michaela is alive. Herzog or someone like him might have been able to end her physical existence. But I wanted to ask you what you are referring to about the radio? I have a stressed out brain at the moment, but I can't remember this.

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  3. You commented awhile back about turning on the radio in your car and there was a program on and they were telling a story about a lady that was giving birth. At first she does not hear her baby cry and she is worried and then the doctor told her that her baby was alive. I am not sure about the time frame but you turned on the radio when you were taking your youngest daughter somewhere and again the same program was on and it was at the same part where the doctor tells her that her baby is alive. I also believe that Michaela lives on either way. Her soul is forever alive and glowing where ever she is. I just hope that it is still glowing here on earth and that she will be in your arms again soon.
    Edelweiss

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    1. You have a better memory of my life than I do! That must have been a long time ago now. My youngest daughter has been driving for a couple of years now, so I don't get to take her places anymore.

      But thanks. <3

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  4. Its amazing what we find peace in when we need it the most. The morning that my grandmother passed away,the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen was in the sky. I looked up and saw pinks and yellows and colors I don't even think are in the hue in the sky. And it brought me a great sense of peace and serenity. Still praying for you and Michaela.

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  5. Sharon,
    I am waiting, hoping, dreading, everything all at once, with you Sharon. I feel like am holding my breath for you. People say you are strong. You say you have no choice but to carry this weight. You were not given a choice back then, by those who took Michaela from you, but you have the choice and the right now. You have every right, as the giver of life to Michaela, not to be strong now. To feel such grief as never before. Grief so deep in your soul, where only the loss of a child can reach. You don't owe strength to anyone. Allow yourself the right as the giver of life to Michaela, to fully grieve her physical loss, if indeed you finally know she will not be comming home, Even though her spirit and light will never dim, to know for sure you will never again be able to hold her, smell her hair, hear her laughter, is so painful for a mother. You don't have to be braver than a mom Sharon. No one expects that from you. Especially not Michaela. I pray I have not caused you any pain. My heart aches for you, and I would not want to bring more pain to you. I pray the tests are done soon so you know the truth.

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  6. The only ending I want for this nightmare is to see Michaela, virtually and physically walk back home this year. If the bone ends up being hers, in as much as it will bring closure, it will break me (and so many others) and I will cry and cry ...

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  7. Hey Sharon, If Michaela matches the bone and is found, will she be another murdered child and will it be front page national news like Polly Klaas's Murder? Will you make a foundation that supports missing children and make a new law?

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    1. I really don't know what you are talking about, Jose. Those are not things that come along with having your child murdered.

      We established a missing children's foundation in the early days after Michaela was kidnapped. However, I disbanded it because it takes a lot of money to run a foundation, and fund raising is very difficult and something that is just not in my blood, and I don't have any ability to support it. I'm definitely lower middle income here, and I had to work to take care of my kids.

      The work that missing children's organizations can do is really limited and there are many, many of them to do it. My work is this: writing. It's perfect for me, because all it takes is my time and my heart. Nor is it really directed to missing children. As I said, many people are already doing that. What I feel called to do is different. It has to do with something that is more universal, which is the experience of grief and loss.

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  8. Hi sharon! I just want you to know I've been praying for michaela and hoping that the bones don't belong to michaela. With the hurricane coming im not sure when ill be able to check back. If it is her, I am extremely sorry for your loss, and I hope that Loren herzog has a great time in hell. And if they aren't, it shows that michaela can still be out there somewhere. And those bones would belong to a prostitute or something that never deserved to live in the first place.

    -Thomas

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    1. While I appreciate your thoughts about Michaela, your comments about the bones belonging to a prostitute or something that never deserved to live in the first place are just plain offensive, Thomas. The bones belong to a CHILD, age 5 to 13. And the families of Herzog's other victims would not appreciate the assertion that any of their children didn't deserve to live.

      Sorry, Thomas, I'm sure you meant well, but you must respect all victims. Even the prostitutes. Nobody deserves to be a victim.

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    2. Well i forgot that part about the bones being a child's, I'm sorry. It is someone, but I hope it isn't michaela and whoever it is I hope their families are okay and realize that it wasn't their fault and their child never deserved to die that way.

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  9. Sorry but I have to say that most prostitutes deserve their lives as much as anyone! Robert Pickton the Canadian pig farmer murdered and dismembered 49 women who were prostitutes they deserved their lives as much as anyone.

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  10. Seriously--we have NO RIGHT to judge anyone, prostitute or not. We don't always know why people go down the path(s) they do, what they've been through, why, why, all the why's. Obviously every human being has a purpose in this life, we are not just here for no reason.

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  11. Really and truly, I don't think this was what Thomas had in mind. I don't really think he believes that prostitutes don't deserve to live. I think he was just trying to find a way to make the identification of this bone less painful, and wasn't really thinking about what he was saying. I think he apologized when he realized what it was he'd said.

    But you are right. We cannot know the paths that led people to be who they are. It's always better to leap to compassion instead of judgment.

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  12. Wishing you hope and peace Sharon...

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  13. I'm sure that was your Mom letting you know she is there with you, in your mind and heart! Our loved ones have a way of being there for us when we need them.

    The fact that you came to Thomas' defense at the end of that conversation reinforces what a wonder person you are, Sharon.

    Please remember there are people all over the world that are thinking of you and sending virtual strength your way.

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  14. I am sure it is not Michaela. Sending love and strength to you Sharon.

    Sarah.

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