Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
I'm beginning to second guess myself now. I think that part of it is that I don't really believe that the answers, which have eluded me for so long, could now come within reach. But part of it is also that I am aware of the fact that if you show me a limb, I will climb right out on it and hang by my fingernails if necessary, at least when it comes to Michaela. Perhaps that is all this is.
The weather here has suddenly turned from summer to fall. There is a chill in the air; there are dark clouds in the sky. Rain falls, although it somehow manages to hide itself from me, leaving only the hint of its presence on the sidewalks. Night comes early and unexpected, and the darkness seems to be exceptionally dark. I feel a little lost, like I'm not sure who I am, or where I'm going.
But I do keep going. I prepare myself. In the real world, I am busy at work, organizing my cases, making lists of my deadlines in case for some reason I am unable to be there, to make it easy for someone else who might have to pick up a few pieces for me. Meanwhile, I try to get the work done, to finish those things that have deadlines coming up. This is good, very good. My work is good work, and I feel as though I am doing something positive, helping people. Getting things finished makes me feel I am accomplishing something. Most of all, it keeps my mind occupied.
I prepare myself emotionally. I steel myself for both possibilities, because the answer, whatever it is, will be hard.
It may all be nothing. I know that now, can see that clearly now from the end of the limb. But that's not quite true, because even if it turns out that we don't find out what happened to Michaela, it has been something, because it has caused her light to shine a little brighter, to be seen a little farther. And that is something. I have been absolutely inundated with the most wonderful messages from people. The love and the kindness toward Michaela's family are deeply felt and appreciated, but what brings me the greatest joy is not just the love shown for Michaela, but the fact that so many people tell me that she is so real to them, that they feel as though they know her, that they can feel her warmth, see her light. Whoever kidnapped her may have been able to physically conceal her, but he could not hide her.
To answer a question someone asked, of course when I get the answer I will tell you. I have talked to the police department, and whether the answer is yes or no, they will call a press conference and let everyone know the results. I will be at the conference. And yes, I will most certainly post it myself, on facebook as well as this blog. You have all given of yourselves to me so generously, how could I forget you, or fail to give back to you what I can, when I can?
One other thing, and I think this is actually directed toward my police department more than anybody else: I want you to know that it's okay. Times like these are okay. I know that my investigators didn't really want to tell me about this. They wanted to wait until all the testing had been done, and then tell me. Perhaps if it turns out that this isn't Michaela, they wouldn't have told me at all, who knows? This isn't because they don't want to share information with me. It's because they want to protect me. But they knew that this was going to come out in the press, and they wanted me to hear it from them first. So they told me, gave me at least a few days head start to let it settle in my heart before people started asking me questions about it. As much as I really appreciate their sincere concern for my well being, I don't really need to be protected. I'm not actually a weak person. Certainly what I have been called on to endure in all this is far less than what Michaela had to take. If she can do it, I can do it. And honestly, sometimes it's good to just be reminded that it is actually possible that the answer could be out there, that this case could actually be solved one day, even if it turns out that it isn't this day.
And it gets Michaela's story out there, which always holds a possibility of getting that additional information we need to find her, if this isn't her. It gets Michaela's story out there, so that in the event she might still be alive, there is one more chance for her to see that we are still looking for her. And that is good.
Thank you all, again, and again, and again, for everything.
And Michaela ... I love you forever.