They think it's real
The dreams you have
The dreams you feel
(From Michaela's poem)
Last night, Michaela, I was going to sleep, and I thought about what I would dream. I thought I would like to dream of you, to dream of where you are. I have a lot of similar dreams these days. In all of them I am journeying, trying to find my way to somewhere, although it is never clear where that is. I am just wandering within a locality, up and down streets, stopping here and there, trying to figure out routes. Recently it has occurred to me that there is a similarity to the locale in these dreams, a kind of a similar topography, and I started to wonder if there could be some meaning to the topography.
It's not new, not unusual, for me to have series dreams, or repeating dreams. In the years immediately after your kidnapping I had a repeating dream about walking through a hillside city with houses that were adobe type, with rounded corners, the type of location I would think of as associated with a traditional style in probably many places, including the Middle East. I'd come to a house and know that was where I was supposed to live. I'd go in and go to my room, which was pretty barren. It was so lonely. Even when called to dinner, my hopes for an end to the loneliness were ended when I realized that all the people who lived there were perpetual strangers to one another. These dreams we so insistent, I know they were important. They could have reflected my own inner processes at the time, but I also had to wonder if they were dreams of you. And since I have received so many leads now suggesting that you are in the UAE or general area, I have thought more about this possibility, because the town in my dreams had the feel of the older, traditional areas of those countries.
Last night I watched a movie that took place in the Middle East, and seeing those towns made me think again of tho dreams. But seeing those places, the people living there, I thought to myself that if that is where you have been for the past almost 25 years, then that is who you are now. I had a sensation deep inside that your life here, your identity here, your family, would all be a distant and fading memory to you know. Well one of the leads I got said you were "changed too much to remember."
I just wanted to write to you this morning to say that I understand this, Michaela. I understand if I am a distant and insignificant memory. But I want to tell you that I know if you are in one of those places that you have suffered significantly over the years. Perhaps in the midst of that you might have even wanted to forget me, could have even blamed me for not having saved you or protected you. I always told you that if you needed me and I wasn't there that you could look in your heart and find me there, but I know that was small comfort. I can only say this a million times. You have never been alone. You have never been abandoned. I have always loved you, and if ever I could have figured to anything I could do to help you or save you, I would have done it.
I have reached the point of not only loving you Michaela, not only missing you, but understanding many things I never wanted to even think of, and of having to respect you. I don't know where you are, what your circumstances may be, or even if you are alive. I respect your choices. You have the best heart of anybody I have ever known. You have the brightest light. The only thing I can do is to continue sending you this message ... I love you, always and forever. I want nothing so much as for you to come home, and I am always here, arms open, waiting for you if you are able to make that choice.
I love you Michaela.