Monday, April 8, 2013

Dear Michaela ... Dreams

They think it's real
The dreams you have
The dreams you feel
(From Michaela's poem)

Last night, Michaela, I was going to sleep, and I thought about what I would dream. I thought I would like to dream of you, to dream of where you are. I have a lot of similar dreams these days. In all of them I am journeying, trying to find my way to somewhere, although it is never clear where that is. I am just wandering within a locality, up and down streets, stopping here and there, trying to figure out routes. Recently it has occurred to me that there is a similarity to the locale in these dreams, a kind of a similar topography, and I started to wonder if there could be some meaning to the topography.

It's not new, not unusual, for me to have series dreams, or repeating dreams. In the years immediately after your kidnapping I had a repeating dream about walking through a hillside city with houses that were adobe type, with rounded corners, the type of location I would think of as associated with a traditional style in probably many places, including the Middle East. I'd come to a house and know that was where I was supposed to live. I'd go in and go to my room, which was pretty barren. It was so lonely. Even when called to dinner, my hopes for an end to the loneliness were ended when I realized that all the people who lived there were perpetual strangers to one another. These dreams we so insistent, I know they were important. They could have reflected my own inner processes at the time, but I also had to wonder if they were dreams of you. And since I have received so many leads now suggesting that you are in the UAE or general area, I have thought more about this possibility, because the town in my dreams had the feel of the older, traditional areas of those countries.

Last night I watched a movie that took place in the Middle East, and seeing those towns made me think again of tho dreams. But seeing those places, the people living there, I thought to myself that if that is where you have been for the past almost 25 years, then that is who you are now. I had a sensation deep inside that your life here, your identity here, your family, would all be a distant and fading memory to you know. Well one of the leads I got said you were "changed too much to remember."

I just wanted to write to you this morning to say that I understand this, Michaela. I understand if I am a distant and insignificant memory. But I want to tell you that I know if you are in one of those places that you have suffered significantly over the years. Perhaps in the midst of that you might have even wanted to forget me, could have even blamed me for not having saved you or protected you. I always told you that if you needed me and I wasn't there that you could look in your heart and find me there, but I know that was small comfort.  I can only say this a million times. You have never been alone. You have never been abandoned. I have always loved you, and if ever I could have figured to anything I could do to help you or save you, I would have done it.

I have reached the point of not only loving you Michaela, not only missing you, but understanding many things I never wanted to even think of, and of having to respect you. I don't know where you are, what your circumstances may be, or even if you are alive. I respect your choices. You have the best heart of anybody I have ever known. You have the brightest light. The only thing I can do is to continue sending you this message ... I love you, always and forever. I want nothing so much as for you to come home, and I am always here, arms open, waiting for you if you are able to make that choice.

I love you Michaela.

mom

11 comments:

  1. As always your words are beautiful yet terribly melancholy while still being hopeful and optimistic. I simply love that about you.

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  2. Hi Sharon,
    Wow, you never cease to amaze me with your your words from your heart and mind. I love to hear what you say. To me you seem like a very kind, loving and understanding person.
    Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us. I believe that your dreams have meaning to them. I've had lot's of dreams and I know many of them are true and have meaning to them.

    Love and Prayers always for You, Michaela, and All of your Family.

    Hugs from Thelma Mandera

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  3. Sharon, I am glad to see you back on the site. I truly believe Michaela is alive and I think your dreams are mother's intuition. I do not think Michaela has forgotten about her life with you. I am in my 50s and remember back when I was 9. She seemed like a very worldly little girl. I feel that if she could come home she would certainly do everything in her power to do so. I think she just doesn't have the opportunity. Please keep in your heart that she has Not forgotten you just as you have not forgotten her. Nancy

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  4. Hugs to you Sharon- beautiful writing as always....
    SR Mom

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  5. Oh Sharon...what you and Michaela have suffered is so profoundly wrong and unfair. I hope that one day soon you'll know what happened to your darling little girl so that your wounds can close and begin to heal.

    Cindy

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  6. Sharon,

    Your words bring tears to my eyes every time I read them to know you are going through this is unbelievable heart breaking. There are no words that I can say that can tell u how sorry I am that you have to live through this. I have no children of my own and even though I try to imagine what is it like for you I cannot fully imagine what its like.
    Yours writings have touched my heart and I pray for your little girl to come home everyday and night. I wish and pray to God one day you will find closure and begin to heal. You are a very strong person and you have a lot of faith that you express like no one I have ever seen before. I will keep praying for you and that your little girl is safe every night and everyday.

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  7. Sharon, Your love for your daughter is unconditional...it is clear. I cried reading the poignant words of this posting. I am amazed on how graciously (albeit I'm sure with lots of pain) you accept that she may have another life elsewhere and may not be interested in reconnecting with the one from her childhood.

    However I would bet the longing is there. You talk about how you have come to all these realizations over the years, perhaps like a series of lights being turned on. In this case it might not be about Michaela "coming home", maybe there is a door that is waiting to be opened that would be somewhere neutral. Or maybe it would be you visiting, but with the promise that you wouldn't expect more. Perhaps it would be just getting to know you again, almost like an adopted child seeking out her biological Mom. I know this might be hurtful because you never had a choice in her leaving you, but the heart is a tender organ and life experiences can be harsh in how they mold it.

    And lastly, please forgive me if this is sensitive, I think what I would wonder about if I were your daughter is "where is my Dad in all this?" Does he love me still? What happened to him after I left? Has he given up? He is never in the news, and it appears that you have remarried (based on your last name being different from Michaela's). You may have addressed this in another blog. Yes, this is a deeply personal and sensitive topic and you obviously have sole discretion on what is fair game for discussion on your blogs. But I know you care about finding your daughter. And I think if I lost my family as a child, I would want and NEED to know what happened to the family unit that I knew.

    My prayers are with your family.

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  8. I have not tqlked about Michaela's dad, but I have mentioned him and I have posted a photo for her of him with her brothers and sisters. I have posted many, many things here over several years, but this blog is basically about my relationship with Michaela.

    I may have lights yet to come on, but I don't think Michaela has a life somewhere that she chooses over coming home, I do think it is possible that there are things that compel her to stay, though, like if she has children she would not be able to take with her. If she is in the UAE or thereabouts, she just may not have the freedom. I know that I would choose staying with my children over anything ... over home, over freedom, over life. I am sure Michaela would also.

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  9. I'm sure that Michaela's father loves and misses her deeply, but I don't think Sharon is obligated in any way to talk about him. Maybe that should be his choice. In general, it seems like a mother's heart is better equipped or more inclined bear the burden of hope that Sharon bears. I don't know why, but it's almost always mothers that we see hoping and reaching out to their missing children any way they can. I don't think it's because fathers don't love or miss their children, but maybe they aren't able to hope in the same way. A mother's heart can never give up, no matter what the odds are. That's why it's so unfair that Sharon doesn't know what happened. And as for Michaela living elsewhere, unable to come home because she has children she loves, may it be the case. I hope there are next lives waiting for you and Michaela, Sharon, and that you'll have another chance to live the full lives you were meant to live together, in some form. And I hope, because there's always hope, that you'll have more time together in this one. My heart breaks for you and all the other mothers and children in the world who've been torn from each other. I can't think of anything more wrong.

    Cindy

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  10. ..... sometimes Sharon.....repeated dream themes are whispers of rememberance from a past life....

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  11. Im praying for you and your families, I can not imagine, what parents go thru, except nothing but grief.
    Angels surround you and your baby girl.

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