Sunday, April 6, 2014

Did God help you?

Just wanted to tell you, Michaela, that I haven't forgotten you. I have been struggling with some spiritual things lately, about God and who he is and whether he is good, and what I believe. I have been posting blogs about them in my other blog, at just-sharon.com. I used to post everything here, but I don't anymore. This is your blog. It is about you, just you. But at one point or another, even faith is about you.

I always tell people that my falls from faith are not related to what happened to you. It's not that I have trouble believing in God or in God's ultimate goodness because he allowed you to be kidnapped, and because he didn't save you. But in all honestly, I think my faith journeys are tied more deeply into you than I would outwardly believe. Both times that I fell from faith followed on major devastating events regarding you. The first time was just before the one-year anniversary of your kidnapping. The second time was shortly after the whole thing about Jaycee ended. On both of those occasions, my heart and spirit were so broken ... well, even though I said that it was something going on in my head that caused me to leave my faith, it is entirely likely that my head was just following my heart and spirit. There have been times in my life that pain was so great I longed for the disconnect of insanity.

You also played a part in my embracing faith. I remember when I came back the first time. It was January 24, 2004. I was driving past Neighborhood Church, the one with the three gigantic crosses, and I was arguing with God and telling him that no I didn't want to be a Christian when the thought struck me that you were a Christian, Michaela, and I thought if you had died you would have gone to heaven, and if I wanted to see you again in heaven that I should go back to the Lord. I haven't had such thoughts this time in my struggles. This time, well, if I don't believe then that must mean it's not true, so you wouldn't be there anyway.

Although, I do want to believe.

I was thinking the other day about a dream I had many years ago. I had a dream in which I was dying, and I was saying goodbye to your brothers and sisters and to your stepdad, and I was telling them that I'd see them again but that I was going to see you now. My spirit started to be pulled up out of my body and up through the ceiling in the corner of the room and suddenly I was terrified that when I came down on the other side you wouldn't be there.  I woke up then, so I never found out.

Faith is a difficult thing in this world. We know so much and we think we are so smart. We have been so far, to all corners of the earth, into the sky high above the clouds, and into the far reaches of space. We have walked on the moon, but we have not seen God, and we have not found heaven. But when you stop to think about it, as much as we know, there is so much that we don't know. We don't know where the universe begins and where it ends, or if it does, and if so what is beyond the end that contains it, and where does that end? The same with time. How could it have had a beginning? What would have existed before the beginning? How does something come from nothing, and if it didn't where did the something come from? It seems to me to be the height of arrogance for people to trash the idea of believing in God considering the vast, mysterious and unknowable universe of which we are so tiny a part.

Before you were kidnapped, I had taught you a few things. I had taught you that whenever you were alone and lonely that all you had to do was look in your heart, and I would be there with you, always. And I am. I also taught you that whenever you needed help and I wasn't there to help you, that you should turn to God, and he would help you. I hope that he did, my sweet girl. I know that he didn't bring you home to me the way I wanted him to, but he could have sent angels to minister to you. He could have taken the fear and pain away, and could have just scooped you up into his arms. Like all things, I will know the truth about this one day. Like so many things, for this day I will just have to hope and pray, and have faith.

I love you, Michaela. Forever.

mom

10 comments:

  1. Dear Sharon,

    It has been some months since I have stopped by your blog, but I am so thankful that I did tonight. I have written before (maybe a few years ago), and have shared that I lived in the Bay Area at the time that Michaela was taken, and I have never forgotten her or you all of these years. I continue to carry you both in my heart.

    Your words and hopes and prayers for Michaela are so powerful, and I wanted to tell you that I just echoed those prayers for Michaela (that God would send angels to her even now to minister to her this moment if she is still here and not already with Him) and I also prayed them for YOU. May God send angels to minister to YOU, Sharon. May He scoop YOU up in His arms, too. May He comfort you, sing over you, love on you tonight.

    You are both so very loved. My heart aches and aches with you. I know I have written this passage out for you before (years ago), but it is in my heart to share it again now, so I will. I believe this is true to the core for Michaela and for you.

    "Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."
    Psalm 51:17 (The Message)

    Michaela never for one milli-second escaped God's notice, I believe. And I believe that you also have not for one moment of all this time escaped God's notice.

    May I share one more verse? Please forgive me if I'm going on for too long. It's just that this just came to my heart, too, and if it's okay I'd like to share it with you, too, and I pray that the Lord will use it to minister to you and comfort you even this night.

    "O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
    You know when I sit down and when I rise up. You discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.... You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.... Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your prsence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night," even the darkness is not dark to you. The night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you...."

    And it goes on (you probably already know this psalm well - Psalm 139). But for whatever reason, it came to my heart as I was writing this, and I just wanted to share it.

    Bless you, precious Sharon. Neither you nor Michaela has for a moment escaped His notice. And I prayed - again - just before I began wrting this email - that she would be found. That the truth woud come to light. SOON. So very soon. I will continue to carry you both in my heart until that day....

    Sending love to you even though I've never met you.
    Lauren

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing this Lauren. Your words are so encouraging and uplifting. I agree with you that SOON, very soon Michaela will be found. Thanks again for these words for Sharon and Michaela.
      Thelma Mandera

      Delete
  2. “For I am persuaded, that......( Nothing.. ) “…..shall be able to separate us from the love of God “
    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8%3A38-39&version=KJV

    “Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir - For Every Mountain” <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qWCFeIlL_w


    ReplyDelete
  3. Faith is a tricky thing Sharron.. even when you don't have it ,it has you. There is a song Praise you in this storm that helps me often and it says even in this storm I can hear you say I AM WITH YOU. I am not bible reader but what I do believe is that Heaven is a reward for being a good honest loving person and my friend you have a spot

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's one of my favorite songs. I posted it in my other blog a few weeks ago. Thanks.

      Delete
  4. Have you ever heard the song "Dwell" by Aaron Keyes? When I returned to church a few years ago after a 10 year hiatus, the sermon that day was about how the Lord is our shield, and that is one of the songs we sang. The sermon and the song hit home for me and although I don't go to church often anymore, the song drew me closer to God. Whenever I feel anxious or sad or just lost, I will play this song on repeat and I am calmed.
    it goes ".... You have set me securely on high, you deliver me out of darkness. And when evil surrounds my life, you've commanded your angels to guard me..."

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-V8n4L_n1kU

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I haven't heard the song before, but I love it.

      Recently on facebook I came across a picture of Jesus reaching down into the water to rescue a drowning man. The picture is drawn from under the water, so it's like he's reaching into the water to save me. I just love it. Still trying to figure out how I could possibly get a print of it.

      Delete
  5. today i read an article about two 17 year old girls missing since 1971 who were found. turns out that their car had crashed into a river/creek/whatever and they were there that whole time. obviously we know that Michaela was in fact abducted - there is no chance in her case that it wasn't actually a kidnapping. however, this case was solved when a drought allowed the car to be seen. this is such a reminder that all it takes is the right set of circumstances and out of nowhere, after all these years, the solution is there to be seen. the father of one of the girls died just 5 days before the car & bodies were found, and in his obituary it talks about how it was so horrible not knowing for all those years. today i have renewed prayers that your wait ends sooner rather than later, and that the answers will be revealed once & for all.

    ReplyDelete