Friday, June 27, 2014

So many goodbyes....


Me and my mama.
I have seen so many posts on Facebook by people whose mothers or fathers have died this week. Most of them were posted by people I don't really know, but there have been a couple I do. I am always shocked when I see these posts. The fact of death is just a jolt, the rawness of the grief expressed makes my own heart ache. Another friend, someone I actually do know, has posted a number of memes about waiting for the grief to end. She lost her husband a few months ago. One of the memes she posted said "H.O.P.E. ... hold on pain ends." I so helpfully commented, "They are lying." The pain of a relationship breakup, that usually ends. But those who are torn from us by death, those whose hearts beat with ours until the moment they stopped beating, or were so far away we couldn't feel them any longer ... that is something that does not. ever. end. Grief and sorrow are an endless ocean. The tides come and go, and we learn to ride the waves and swim in the depths, but it never goes away.

Me, I am a master of the state of denial. I run from those waves. I dig holes deep in the sand and hide in them. It surprises me that I am able to convey my feelings in writing, considering how hard a time have conveying them to myself. It is why I haven't written much lately, I think. I have talked about those years in which I refused to say the word "God." It is like that with my grief. If I refuse to name it, I don't have to acknowledge its existence. Somehow, in ways I don't fully understand, this denial is always tinged slightly with anger. I have a tiny subconscious anger towards my mother, towards Michaela. Why? I don't know for sure. I am just being brutally, nakedly honest about what I feel. Angry that they left me?  Oh! No. I think I've got it. I think I just now realized it. Many years ago, in the second year after Michaela was kidnapped, I was suffering from a huge amount of anger, and at that time I realized that anger was nothing more than sorrow turned inside out and thrown outside ourselves, so we didn't have to feel it. Perhaps it is just that. I can't, cannot cannot cannot, feel that sorrow. I must turn it into anything and everything except what it is, because I cannot, cannot, cannot, absolutely refuse to, FEEL IT.

A mess. Yes I am a mess, a messy mess of grief I cannot deal with.

When I see the grief of others, I really want to help them. I want to reach out and touch them and make them feel better. I want to offer some wisdom. I can tell them, look, I am still here. I am still standing. I am walking and talking, working, loving, and I'm laughing. Hey, I took two Facebook quizzes last week that told me that I am joyful, and doggone it, I am! If I can survive, you can too.

But at what price? I feel it at this moment, that aching aching sorrow that wants to well up. I feel the tears come to my eyes, and I want to sob and sob. But I can't. I know this is probably unrelated, and it is also TMI (too much information), but for many years now I have been literally unable to vomit. No matter how sick I am. I can go through the motions, but they are empty. Nothing comes up. Who knows, maybe it is related. I am, perhaps, beyond help. I can't help myself. I can only dig the holes deeper and pull the sand in over my head, over my heart.

Sorry, I know this is a depressing post. I didn't even plan it. It just spewed forth. Haha. Never at a loss for words anyway. Undoubtedly I am too able to let those loose.

I will feel better tomorrow. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, but it enables me to get up in the morning and go to work, to keep living even in the presence of loss so awful I can't stand it. I will, essentially, go back to not really knowing how I feel.

Mama, I love you. I am so sorry. I love you unbearably. I carry your love with me, in my heart, just as I promised you I would.

And Michaela, I love you too, forever. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, loving  you, but I do. I am so sorry that I could not protect you like I promised I would. I am so sorry I could not save you. I am so sorry, so sorry for every blog I am not able to write because I cannot look that sorrow in the face one more time.

I feel as though I have failed you both, mama and Michaela, because I cannot turn from my grief without turning from my love. I am just so sorry. There have been many losses in my life, but you are the two I cannot face because it just hurts too much.

I am just so sorry.


9 comments:

  1. Crying, as always after reading your posts. The emotion you provoke is intense. No words can express, I don't have that talent. Love you, Sharon. Xoxo

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  2. My prayers go up for you Sharon! It hurts me to see you hurt. You are one step ahead of many though...you recognize and stare down your emotions. That is a huge step many cannot take. It makes it real and therefore something you can deal with and work through. Even if that is one step forward and two steps back. Sending lots of love and comfort from above your way. XOXO

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  3. You are not alone we all spend endless hours thinking of you and aying for you , there are many nigths when i just browse and browse on facebook hoping to find michaela , hoping to see he older but alive .. Sending all my love from dominican republic . Gissett letellier

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  4. Sharon,

    There are no words to describe what my heart feels when I read your posts. I commented a while back that I find myself looking at strangers' faces out in public, hoping to spot someone that might look like Michaela. Even though the chances of that happening are so slim, I still do it! Can't help it. I probably always will. Just know that you have so many people from all areas of the country (and even further I'm sure) that have you and Michaela fresh in our minds and hearts everyday, and we are keeping our eyes and ears open. And for every day that comes and goes without her being found, I will pray very hard that the next day has a different outcome.

    Hugs from Michigan <3
    Becki

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  5. I always think of Michaela and share her story with everyone I can. The more people who know about her, the more likely she can be brought home. You and Michaela are in my thoughts and prayers, always.

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  6. Sharon, I have followed your blog for years. I just want to say that your feelings are normal and your post makes so much sense. I cannot speak for your relationship with your mother but I can about Michaela. I am sure she never blamed you for not protecting her. She seemed to be such a worldly little girl. It is normal for you to feel responsible for what happened. You are her mother. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen that day. You were being a good Mom letting her go to the market. You made her happy that day. She probably felt so grown up going there with her friend alone. Michaela would not want you to feel sad for all these years. I know you can't help it. Heck I would be a basket case. You have done more than any other parent of a kidnapped child (trying to find her that is). You have not failed her! You loved her and gave her a good home. And even though she hasn't been with you in a very long time, you are loving her still. I believe she feels this. I believe she felt your love the day she was taken and it helped her . I really believe she is still out there somewhere. Living a different life. Don't know why I feel this but I do. I feel Michaela would not want you to miss out on your life because you were grieving for her. She loved you and wouldn't want you to be sad. When you love someone you want them to be happy. Be happy for Michaela's sake. Only two people know what happened to her that day. Michaela and her kidnapper. It's too late to change that, but I know if she had one wish, it would be for her Mom to have peace.
    Nancy

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  7. Dear Sharon,

    I read so many of your posts and start to reply, then delete my reply, because I feel that there's nothing I can say that can ever make anything better, nor can I provide any enlightenment. All I can say now is that I agree with you. We never get over anything. We just keep going through it. I'm not even sure that going through it gets easier; we just get better at it. Until we get tired, and stumble, and the weight of our grief holds us down for a while until we gather our strength again and keep going for the reasons we still have in this life...reasons we are so thankful for because we know what it is to lose people that we love. But although I understand grief and pain, the depth of yours is unimaginable to me. Just imagining it brings tears to my eyes, so that I sometimes feel frustrated with you for not giving up, moving on, for holding on to the hope that is so hard for you to bear. Isn't that crazy? That I, who do not know you except through this blog, would feel frustrated, maybe even angry with you? But it's because your pain makes me sad. So little wonder you feel anger sometimes toward Michaela and your mother. It's okay, but you already know that. So now I'm at the end of this reply and again feel I've missed the mark, but this time, instead of just deleting it, I'm going to send it because like your post it just kind of came out quickly and naturally, so maybe you should read it. Sending you a big, compassionate hug.
    Cindy

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    1. Cindy, I had to laugh when I read your message. I understand how you feel because sometimes I get mad at people for supporting me and telling me to hold onto hope. I want to say leave me alone, let me give up, leave me in peace! And now, of course, I have to worry about people misunderstanding this, because people seem to misunderstand the intent of written words so easily! It is just hard. But I have to keep on, I have to keep up hope, not for me but for Michaela. As I've said before, until someone proves to me she is not alive, I have to keep reaching out to her, because if she is alive, she needs me. The very worst thing would be to find her, alive, and for her to see that I had given up on her. That just isn't going to happen no matter how difficult it is, no matter how weary I get. Thanks, Cindy.

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  8. I'm glad it made you smile, Sharon. Thanks so much for all you share in this blog. Thank you for not hiding the complexity of your emotional and spiritual journey. For what it's worth, I truly believe that you will see Michaela again, in this life or another one.
    Cindy

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