Sunday, October 11, 2015

Sometimes you just have to pull the blankets over your head

I know it has been a few months since I have posted anything, and I apologize, especially to you, Michaela, if you are out there reading this. There are just times when the black hole yawns so wide there is no choice but to retreat away from it, pull the blankets over your head, and close your eyes. The thing about depression is that it is not the same as sadness. Part of it is just avoidance. I am also just a little bit angry at those those feelings and everything that has caused me such pain. Ridiculous, I know, but feelings are not rational are they? I learned long ago that anger is most often our pain turned inside out in a effort not to have to feel it, because it is so deeply darkly awful. But also, I find I have a lot of guilt. I have guilt for not having found you, Michaela. I have guilt for not having been a good enough mother, or a good enough daughter. I don't actually sit and go back over the past looking for ways I have failed my children or my mother. They are just kind of there, and there is no way to make up for them, I am angry at myself also.

In years past, I have let that anger flow outside myself, outside of us, and it was pretty awful. There are people who have known me over the years who would tell you that I was an angry person. For the most part that is over. For the most part, the depression and the pain are internalized. I am angry at the feelings, so I avoid them. I withdraw. So that is where I have been for the last few months.

There are still things going on in the investigation, moving ever so slowly, which has also been difficult for me. But you have not been forgotten, Michaela.

Regardless of anything else in the world, regardless of any other feelings I may have ever, or feelings I may bury from sight, there is one thing I know, and you need to know, and that is that I love you forever, baby girl.
mom

5 comments:

  1. It has been nearly 30 years since Michaela was kidnapped. You have never stopped searching or wondering about her. Her absence has impacted your life or should I say controlled your life deeply. (never letting you truly be happy). Do not say that you haven't been a good mother or that you failed Michaela because that is so not true.
    There are parents out there who have also had a child go missing but they don't have a blog, website, etc. It seems they haven't gone out of their way to search for their child or to get it known to the public.
    You have done everything you can plus more to find your daughter. There is NO question as to how much you Love her. If Michaela can see your posts, she also knows. Even if she can't see them, she still knows because I know that the love and caring that you gave her for those short 9 years is somehow present. If not in her mind, it's there in her heart.
    Nancy

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  2. Love and Prayers to you, Michaela, and all of your Family. Still praying and believing for a miracle. <3 Big Hugs

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  3. You have been coping between trying to find Michaela and trying to be a good mother to your four children. Buying chocolate at midnight, sitting and listening, hugging and crying, all your words. And keeping this blog. So instead of guilt, give yourself some credit, you have done everything in your power to make both of those things happen. You are there for your children no matter what and haven't given up on Michaela either. And you never will. If that doesn't make a good mother, then I don't know what does. And I happen to think that your children would all agree.

    And about that guilt, I know how to blame yourself for not being good enough daughter, but I also know you have already done more than enough to be good enough mother. Self-blame doesn't do you any good nor people around you because they don't blame you for anything. And I don't see why Michaela would ever blame you for anything. It only holds you back from moving forward, blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. Michaela has been missing for decades, NOT because you haven't been able to find her, but because of the lack of good technology at the time this happened.

    You don't deserve to feel guilty, because you have done everything you possibly can, and more. You deserve a credit. And a break from bad emotions.
    -Emilia

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  4. Sharon,

    I've often wondered how parents of the missing survive & if I would have it in me if I had to walk in their shoes. I am an advocate that each person needs to do what they need to, to get through the day. If you need to crawl in bed and pull the blankets over head for a day or two, I say go for it. Just don't stay there! I wish I was close enough to give you a huge hug, look into your eyes and tell you what a wonderful mother you are to all of your children. All of your children, including Michaela knows this.
    Much Love,
    Megan

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  5. Hi
    This case has affected me very deeply . I feel that the man who did this must be caught and executed so that he can never ever repeat it . I was born 2 years after this incident and was reading about several cold cases. Thank you for not stopping to look for your daughter . I feel that the profile of this man puts in a very high chance as a repeat offender who would have been caught already , maybe a repeat sex offender or a worthless thug . Truth cannot hide forever , this man will face the ultimate judge one day and he will face eternal hell if he does not reveal himself.

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