Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Room

I just saw the movie Room. If you haven't seen it, you should. It is a beautiful movie. The little boy in it was excellent, and reminded me so much of my granddaughter Shylah I had to love him.

But of course, it made me sad in a way that was beyond thought. It made me realize that there are so very many possible reasons to be sad that I haven't even considered.

It's funny, because lately I have been missing my imagination. I got a drawing pad, pencils and chalk pastels, but I haven't touched them because all I can see is the blank page, and I can't think of what to put on it. In my writing, I have to fight against rushing through, instead of stopping to dwell on the details, where the heart lives. But tonight I realized, of course my imagination has packed its bags and run away. Not knowing what happened to my daughter leaves too many possibilities open, too many things I cannot begin to entertain because they are too horrible. Not having the answers, any answers, all the possibilities wander around the edges of my consciousness. I cannot allow myself to imagine them, so I turn off my imagination as protection.

I am amazed at how much of a mess I am. It has been over 27 years, but in all this time, there has been no healing, at least in part because there is no resolution. It keeps happening, it keeps piling on and on, it never ends. It has robbed me of so much. It has robbed me of my daughter, my first child, but it has robbed me of pieces of myself along the way as well.

Still, I have lost nothing in comparison to what Michaela has lost. The movie tonight reiterated some of those themes I have heard about before, the feeling that the victim had of being unworthy. So I just want to say, again, for the thousandth time, that there is nothing at all that could ever change my love for you, Michaela. I love you. I know you. I know your heart and soul, and I have nothing but respect for you, no matter what may have happened. This is a safe place for you. If you are still alive out there, please contact me. I just want to hold you in my arms.

I love you forever, baby girl. I like you for always. For always and forever. No matter what.
mom

7 comments:

  1. Lots of Love and Prayers for you, Michaela and your family. I've been thinking alot about Michaela for the last few days and asking God for a miracle. I cried as I read this tonight. My heart aches for you and Michaela so bad.
    Love always
    from Thelma Mandera

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  2. Sharon--you are an amazing woman..amazing in your ability to keep your heart open, and to share it with Michaela, and all of us. I am, like Thelma, so sorry always. Sending my love and hope for a better tomorrow.

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    1. The ability to keep my heart open is vastly overrated! It is very, very hard to do that and I fail much of the time. :(

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  3. It was an awesome movie and book but one that I've had a hard time with. It really stays with you. I can't begin to imagine what you go through and my heart bleeds for you, Sharon, as only a mother's can.

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  4. My 2nd daughter was born in 1988. I have never forgotten Michaela- nor have my girls who were taised with my edcalated fesr that they could be next. I don't know how you get through each day, not knowing, hoping. You are an amazing example of strength, courage, love. Michaela is still remembered and sent prayers��

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  5. The most interesting is that even though the story could be very dark, the director injects a hopeful tone that moves and makes it an experience

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  6. Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay offer two astonishing performances in what is one of the best and most intelligent representations of Plato's cave that I remember seeing (and I love the scope of its philosophical ambitions), told from the point of view of a child who has never seen the world beyond a room.

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