Thursday, January 24, 2019

Happy Birthday, Michaela

Hey there baby girl. I just wanted to come and say happy birthday to you, just in case you are out there somewhere, in case you remember that today is your birthday, in case you might be checking in here. It was forty years ago today you were born, at 8:13 p.m., the first time I held you in my arms. From that first moment, loving you, taking care of you, nurturing you, protecting you, were the most important thing in the world to me.

I spent today taking care of your nephew, Theo, who is three years old. He kept me busy and distracted. In recent years, it has occurred to me that it's time for me to have some "me" time, to do things I want to do, go where I want to go. But the day you were born I fell under this spell, where nothing mattered but you. You were so small and innocent, so helpless, and I couldn't look into your eyes and not do everything in the world I could for you. It was the same with your brothers and sisters, and now my grandchildren. I guess this is just who I am.

I want you to know, Michaela, that we are still looking for you. Not just the police, but other people are well. Some are looking for your body. Some are looking for your body, but some are looking to find you alive.  Along with so many others, those who are searching are also praying for you. I know if you are out there alive somewhere, you gave up long ago on rescue. How beautiful would it be if one day someone walked in, and maybe told you a name you may have forgotten. Michaela. You are Michaela. You are loved. You will never be forgotten.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Survey for 30th Anniversary of Michaela's kidnapping

Pinned to the top of Michaela's facebook page is a survey I need in order to try to plan the 30th anniversary of Michaela's kidnapping this year. Because it is 30 years, we are going to have an indoor remembrance at a nearby church, and I just want to make sure there is enough space for everyone who wants to come. We will also be doing the ribbon tying on November 19th, which is a Monday morning, at 10:00, but it will only be ribbon tying.

The evening remembrance will include speakers and music and also coffee and refreshments afterwards, to allow time to mingle and chat. I know there are people who are coming from out of town and out of state for this anniversary, and I want to make sure we have time together.

I don't want to have to turn people away for lack of space, so please please please respond to this survey if you will be coming. If you are coming and bringing your family, pease respond once for each family member who is coming.

The survey can be found on Michaela's facebook page at

I also want to let everyone know that the entirety of the Dear Michaela blog has been transferred to the blog at my website at

Thank you all for your love and support.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Happy Mother's Day, Michaela

Happy Mother's Day, baby girl! You have been so much on my mind these last few days. Is it just because it is Mother's Day? I wouldn't ordinarily think so. I'm not really a big holiday person, barely celebrating this year since most of your siblings are spread far and wide, and all of us who are here are exhausted. Your youngest sister, Johnna, is here, but she and her partner, Kane, work for a theater company and just finished two weeks of complex productions, and everybody is pretty exhausted.

But if there is one thing I have learned, it is that there are things that go on deep inside your mind even when you are not consciously engaged with it. So I'm aware of Mother's Day, even when I am not thinking about it, and I am aware of what it meant to become a mother. I think of the years I tried to have you, the fertility pills I had to take, the scary pregnancy and induced labor, and most of all I think about the magic of holding you in my arms, of waking you early on your first morning here in the world to see the sunshine streaming in through the hospital window. I remember your little hand in mine. I remember, you are the person who first called me "mama."

I ran across a video blog recently that is so well done it even inspired me. As I wrote recently on Seeker's Road, over the course of the last three decades I have had to reach a point of finding peace with never knowing the answers about what happened, never being able to find you. The only glitch in that peace is the thought that you could still be out there, alive, and if so, you could need me, which means I cannot rest. So after settling into this tentative peace, this video blog by Danelle Hallan reminded me, oh yes, probably the strongest lead I know of in your case leads to possible human trafficking. And that brings me back to you, and where you might be, what you might have gone through, to the question of whether I should perhaps be wishing you, too, a Happy Mother's Day, hoping and praying that it could be happy.

Michaela, my messages to you and about you have grown thinner in the last few years. They have come to be mingled into my larger blog at Seeker's Road. I have said all the words there are to say, but let me say them once more:

Michaela, I love you forever. There is nothing you could possibly have gone through that could change that. I long for the day when I can hold you in my arms again, and I know it will come either in this life or the next one. But if you are out there, if you are suffering, if you need help, if you need me, please contact me. You can comment on this blog, you can email me at In the meantime, remember what I always told you. Touch your heart, and you will feel me there. You will feel my love. May it give you strength, and courage. 

Thursday, January 11, 2018

New Post

I just want to let you know there is a new post, a Dear Michaela letter, on my blog at I am recovering from the flu and preparing for surgery next week, so please bear with me and visit the link below.


Monday, December 4, 2017

That state of the Investigation

Sorry to do this to you, but the blog entry about the status of the investigation can be found at Seeker's Road, link:
Thank you.
And Michaela, this excerpt is for you: 
Honestly, I have come to the point of being able to live with this, with the eternally unsolved crime. I have never felt this driving need for “justice.” I’ve had concern for the safety of other children with a kidnapper on the loose, but I’m just not looking to punish “the monster.” That means pretty much nothing to me. The only thing I really want to know is what happened to Michaela, and the reason I want to know that is because I want to be certain that my daughter is not suffering right now, this minute, because if she is, I need to help her. That is my sole concern. That I why I keep blogs, why I reach out to her.
That, and the fact that whether she is alive physically or not, I want to keep her alive in this world. It has been almost thirty years, but people still know her, people still love her. They have not forgotten her. And that is important to me. I’ve said it many times, but Michaela was a bright and shining light in this world, and as long as she is not here to shine that light, I will carry it for her. That is the only thing I can do, and I will do it.
The investigation is what it is: a huge, tangled, complex beast. Unraveling it and taming it is the task at hand. For me, the task is different and it is pretty simple. It is to love Michaela, to remember her, to keep her alive in the hearts and minds of people around the world. At its depths, my task is to honor the gift that Michaela is to the world by offering it myself. The horror, the outrage, the thirst for justice or revenge, they are just not part of me. They are not why I am here. I am here for love, for faith, for purpose. I am here to walk this path on which fate has planted my feet, and always on that path I am holding my daughter’s hand and we are smiling at each other. Always, my heart swells with her presence.
I love you, Michaela.